ought to convert the balance of
one. Because, Mawruss, a nation which is ninety-nine per cent. patriotic
is like a fish which is ninety-nine per cent. fresh--all you can notice
is the one per cent. which smells bad."

"I am just so much in favor of the country being one hundred per cent.
American as you are, Abe," Morris said, "but what I claim is that we
should go about it _right_."

"If you mean we shouldn't argue with them one-per-centers, but send them
right back to that part of the old country which they come from
originally, Mawruss," Abe continued, "why, I am agreeable that they
should be shipped right away, F.O.B., N.Y., all deliveries subject to
delay and liability being limited to fifty dollars personal baggage in
case they should, please Gawd, fail to arrive in Europe."

"Sure I know," Morris agreed. "But pretty near all them one-per-centers
was born and raised in the United States or in Saint Louis, Wisconsin,
and Cincinnati. You take this here _Burgermeister_ of Chicago, for
instance, and the chances is that all he knows about the old country is
what he learned on a couple of visits to Milwaukee, y'understand. So how
could you export a feller like that?"

"I don't want to export him, Mawruss. All I would like to see is that
they should put an embargo on him," Abe said, "and on his friends, them
peace fellers, too."

"Well, I'll tell you," Morris commented, "about them peace fellers, you
couldn't blame 'em exactly, because you know how it is with some people:
they 'ain't got no control over their feelings, and if they're scared to
death, y'understand, they couldn't help showing it, which my poor
grandmother, _olav hasholom_, wouldn't allow me to keep so much as a
pea-shooter in the house, on account, she says, if the good Lord wills
it, even a broomstick could give fire."

"And yet, Mawruss, if burglars would of broke into her home, I bet you
she would grabbed the nearest flat-iron and went for 'em with it," Abe
said, "so don't insult your grandmother _selig_ by comparing her with
them peace fellers which they _oser_ care how many burglars is johnnying
the front door just so long as they could hide under the bed."

"At the same time, Abe, there is some of them peace fellers which ain't
so much scared as they are contrary, y'understand," Morris said. "Take
this here LaFollette, Abe, and that feller's motto is, 'My country--I
think she's always wrong--but right or wrong--that's my opinion and I
stick