142

XVI. THE GERMAN ROMAN HOLIDAY AND THE AMERICANIZATION OF
AMERICANS 152

XVII. MR. WILSON'S FAVOR OF THE 20TH ULTO. AND CONTENTS NOTED 162

XVIII. BEING UP IN THE AIR, AS APPLIED TO TRANSATLANTIC
FLIGHTS, CROWN JEWELS, AND LEAGUE OF NATIONS SPEECHES 172

XIX. THE LEAK AND OTHER MYSTERIES 182

XX. JULY THE FIRST AND AFTER 192

XXI. WHAT THE PUBLIC WANTS, ECONOMICALLY AND THEATRICALLY 202

XXII. THEY DISCUSS THE SIGNING OF IT 212

XXIII. THE RECENT UNPLEASANTNESS IN TOLEDO, OHIO 222

XXIV. FEEDING THE PEACE CONFERENCERS AND THE HOUSEHOLD 232

XXV. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? THIS INCLUDES
LIBELED MILLIONAIRES, ENFORCED PROHIBITION, AND 241
SHANTUNG

XXVI. THE APPROACHING ROYAL VISIT 251

ILLUSTRATIONS

"HE GIVES HIMSELF DEAD AWAY BY GETTING SORE" _Frontispiece_

"I WOULDN'T BLAME CHAIRMAN CLEMENCEAU NEITHER,
BECAUSE IF THIS HERE PEACE CONFERENCE IS GOING
TO END THIS SIDE OF NINETEEN-FIFTY, IT'S GOT
TO BE SPEEDED UP SOME" _Facing p._ 44

"A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE IS SO BADLY PREDICTED
TO THE LAPEL-BUTTON HABIT THEY WOULD JOIN
ANYTHING" " 52

"... WHICH WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT MR. WILSON
STARTED IN--IN A SMALL WAY" " 144

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS

I

THEY ARRIVE, AND SO DOES THE PRESIDENT

"_Nu_, what's the matter _now_?" Morris Perlmutter asked, as he entered
the office one morning after the cessation of hostilities on the western
front.

"_Ai, tzuris!_" Abe moaned in reply, and for at least a minute he
continued to rock to and fro in his chair and to make incoherent noises
through his nostrils in the manner of a person suffering either from
toothache or the recent cancelation of a large order.

"It serves you right," Morris said. "I told you you shouldn't eat that
liberty roast at Wasserbauer's yesterday. It used to give you the
indigestion when it was known as _Koenigsburger Klops_, which it is like
the German Empire now calling itself the German Republic; changing its
name ain't going to alter its poisonous disposition n