the papers in
connexion with the prophecies, and has just got hold of a very
entertaining book on those subjects called 'The Battle of Armageddon,'
which has determined her to come to England at once with me. It's by one
of those immensely knowing parties, you see, who tell you about the end
of the world, give 'tips' in fact 'on future events,' like the Derby
prophets in _Bell's Life_. Well, he says, that Russia is going to invade
Jerusalem, and the English fleet is to sail into the Dead Sea--no--the
United States' fleet is to sail into the Caspian--no--hang it! I never
can recollect the names of places--at all events, there's to be an awful
shindy somewhere, and England is the only safe place to go to. So I went
to the Embassy to get the old lady's name put on my passport, and, as I
said, the fellow couldn't speak a work of English. I tried him with
French" (you _should_ hear dear HENRY'S French), "and could hardly make
him understand then. He wanted first to see her passport, but, bless
you, she hasn't got any. I don't suppose she ever had one, and at all
events, if she had, must have lost it years ago. You know she came over
to see LOUIS PHILIPPE crowned, and liked the place so much she has
stayed ever since. And when I told him that, and offered references to
bankers, and so forth--mind you, he's not over civil in his manner, I
suppose because he can't make anything by the job--he opened his eyes
till the eyebrows went right away into the hair of his head, and flatly
refused. '_Savvy vous, Mossoo_,' said he, '_savvy vous que c'est une
affaire tres serioose. Une affaire serioose_'--those were his very
words. What do you think of that, because a poor old woman wants to get
back to her native country out of the way of the battle of Armageddon?
By JOVE, I know what I'll do. I'll write to the _Times_."

No, no, HARRY my boy, we'll do better for you than that. I'll send your
history to _Mr. Punch_. He is great and good, my friend, and will see
you righted if anybody can.

* * * * *

AGRICULTURAL IMPROVEMENTS.

The old proverb informs us, that "a reformed rake makes the best
husband;" but, according to MECHI, it is "your reformed plough that
makes the best husbandman"

* * * * *

THE OATMEAL PHILOSOPHY.--"There is a _mean_ in all things."

* * * * *

DRAT THE EASTERN QUESTION!

_To my Son_ PUNCH.

[Illustration: T]