innissy, th' on'y chance ye have iv gettin' it is to commit a
crime an' file an invintory iv ye'er estate with th' coort. Ye'll get a
certy-ficate iv sanity that ye'll be able to show with pride whin ye're
let out iv Joliet.

"In th' old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps fr'm th'
scene iv th' disaster to th' north corrydor iv th' County Jail. That
still goes f'r th' poor man. No wan has thried to rob him iv th'
privilege won f'r him be his ancestors iv bein' quickly an' completely
hanged. A photygraph iv him is took without a collar, he's yanked befure
an awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute lawyer is appinted to look afther
his inthrests an' see that they don't suffer be bein' kept in th' stuffy
atmosphere iv th' coortroom, th' State's attorney presints a handsome
pitcher iv him as a fiend in human form, th' judge insthructs th' jury
iv onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th' sole
judges iv th' law an' th' fact, th' law bein' that he ought to be hanged
an' th' fact bein' that he will be hanged, an' befure our proletory
frind comes out iv his thrance he's havin' his first thorough fill-up iv
ham an' eggs, an' th' clargy ar-re showin' an amount iv inthrest in him
that must be surprisin' to a man iv his humble station.

"A few days later I r-read in th' pa-apers in a column called 'Brief
News Jottings,' just below a paragraph about th' meetin' iv th'
Dairyman's Assocyation, an account iv how justice has pursooed her grim
coorse in th' case iv John Adamowski. An' I'm thankful to know that th'
law has been avinged, that life an' property again ar-re safe in our
fair land iv freedom, an' that th' wretched criminal lived long enough
to get all he wanted to eat.

"Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he gets. He
don't desarve a anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a pair iv dooces
in a car-d game an' havin to bet thim. If I done wrong I'd say: 'Don't
deal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that wants it. Undher th'
circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an' much mercy. I
do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers. I am a modest man an'
I'll accipt me freedom fr'm th' humblest bailiff in th' land. I do not
care to come triumphant out iv this ordeel an' repoort other cases f'r
th' newspa-apers. All I ask is a block's start an' some wan holdin' th'
polisman's coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible,
fair, an' onprejudiced Jud