about a hero that cudden't wear an
overcoat an' rubber boots, have wan arm done up in a sling, an'
something th' matther with th' other, blue spectatacles on his eyes, a
plug hat on his head, th' aujeence throwin' bricks at him, an' th'
referee usin' a cross-cut saw on his neck, an' thin make two hundher an'
fifty Jawn L. Sullivans establish th' new record f'r th' leap through
th' window. Whin I want a hero, I want a good wan. I don't care whether
'tis a wolf, a sojer, or a Prisident. It all comes to th' same
thing--whether 'tis Hogan's frind, th' Wolf that he's been talkin' about
f'r a year, or that other old frind iv his that he used to talk
about--what d'ye call him?--ah, where's me mind goin'?--Ivanhoe.

"But Tiddy Rosenfelt don't feel that way about it. He's called down thim
nature writers just th' same way he'd call me down if I wint befure th'
fifth grade at th' Brothers' school an' told thim what I thought wud
inthrest thim about Dock Haggerty. What does he say? I'll tell ye. 'I do
not wish to be harsh,' says he, 'but if I wanted to charackterize these
here nature writers, I wud use a much shorter an' uglier wurrud thin
liar, if I cud think iv wan, which I cannot. Ye take, f'r example,
What's-his-name. Has this man iver been outside iv an aviary? I doubt
it. Here he has a guinea pig killin' a moose be bitin' it in th' ear.
Now it is notoryous to anny lover iv th' wilds, anny man with a fondness
f'r these monarchs iv forests, that no moose can be kilt be a wound in
th' ear. I have shot a thousand in th' ear with no bad effects beyond
makin' thim hard iv hearin'.

"'Here is a book befure me be wan iv these alleged nature writers. This
is a man whose name is a household wurrud in Conneticut. His books are
used in th' schools. An' what does this man, who got his knowledge iv
wild beasts apparently fr'm mis-treatin' hens f'r th' pip, say; what is
his message to th' little babblin' childher iv Conneticut? It is thim
that I've got to think iv. Instead iv tellin' thim th' blessed truth,
instead iv leadin' thim up be thurly Christyan teachings to an
undherstandin' iv what is right an' what is ideel in life, he poisons
their innocent minds with th' malicious, premeditated falsehood--I can't
think iv an uglier or shorter wurrud that wud go with premeditated--that
th' wolf kills th' grizzly bear be sinkin' its hidyous fangs into th'
gapin' throat iv its prey. How can honest citizens an' good women be
brought up on such in