d mortification;
so it may be easily conceived what were the impressions of my grief,
reinforced with the affliction of a father whom I dearly loved, and the
consciousness of being the cause of all his disquiet! I was struck dumb
with remorse and woe; and, when I recovered the use of speech, I told
him how sensible I was of his great goodness and humanity, and owned
how little I deserved his favour and affection; that the sense of my own
unworthiness was one cause of my present distraction; for such was the
condition of my fate, that I must either see S-- or die. I said,
though I could not expect his forgiveness, I was surely worthy of his
compassion; that nothing but the most irresistible passion could have
misled me at first from my duty, or tempted me to incur the least degree
of his displeasure; that the same fatal influence still prevailed, and
would, in all probability, continue to the grave, which was the only
abode in which I hoped for peace.

"While I expressed myself in this manner, my dear good father wept with
the most tender sympathy, and, saying I might do as I pleased, for he
had done with me, quitted the room, leaving me to the cruel sensations
of my own heart, which almost burst with anguish, upbraiding me with a
fault which I could not help committing. I immediately hired a
chariot and six, and would have set out by myself, had not my father's
affection, which all my errors could not efface, provided an attendant.
He saw me quite delirious and desperate; and therefore engaged a
relation of my own to accompany and take care of me in this rash
expedition.

"During this journey, which lasted two days, I felt no remission
of grief and anxiety, but underwent the most intolerable sorrow and
suspense. At last we arrived at a little house called the Hut, on
Salisbury Plain, where, in the most frantic agitation, I wrote a letter
to S--, describing the miserable condition to which I was reduced by
his unkindness, and desiring to see him, with the most earnest
solicitations. This billet I committed to the care of my attendant, and
laid strong injunctions upon him to tell Mr. S--, my injuries were so
great, and my despair so violent, that, if he did not favour me with a
visit, I would go to him, though at his sister's house, where he then
was.

"He received my message with great coldness, and told my friend, that,
if I would return to London without insisting upon the interview I
demanded, he would, in a littl