ank
Affidavits. Once every three Months or so somebody would levy on a
Cow or threaten to Assault, and then the Judge would get a chance to
operate his Graft. But he didn't care so much about the Income, so
long as he could be addressed as Judge. He allowed his Hair to grow
into a long, graceful Cow-Lick that kept falling into his Eyes, and he
looked at the Sidewalk meditatively as he went over to the Grocery to
get his Fine-Cut. Sometimes, when he was far enough from Home, those
who met him and heard him called Judge thought that he was on the
Supreme Bench.

In the course of Time he began to crave a Political Job, so he
began to stump around in the Interests of the Machine. He drove out
to District School-Houses with the American Eagle seated on the
Dash-Board of his Buggy, and when he got on the Platform he waved Old
Glory until both Arms gave out. All of which went to prove that the
Machine should be kept in Power. After he had been spellbinding for
a couple of Seasons a Job Printer conferred upon him the Title of
Honorable. Every time there was a Jim-Crow Speaking, then the Hon.
James Henry Guff showed up with his Voice in a Shawl-Strap and also a
fine Assortment of Platitudes. When the Congressman wrote to him and
asked him to get the Swazey County Delegates into Line, he always
addressed his letter to the Hon. James Henry Guff and in the Course of
Time Guff began to believe.

[Illustration: _Hon. James Henry Guff._]

But a prouder Distinction awaited him. In view of the fact that he had
plugged for the Regular Organization and delivered the Goods at the
State Convention, he was made a Colonel on the Governor's Staff. It is
the Duty of a Colonel on the Governor's Staff to ride in a Pullman Car
and take a Ball every time he is touched on the Back. Colonel Guff was
a Dream when he got into his $275 Uniform with the Gold Braid rigged
all over the Front. He wore a Chapeau similar to the one worn by
Napoleon at Austerlitz, but he had on top of it seven Tail-Feathers of
the Loo-Loo Bird, which rather laid over anything that Napoleon ever
wore. And when Colonel James Henry Guff in his magnificent Regalia
and smoking a ten-cent Cigar, leaned back in an Open Carriage drawn
by White Horses and allowed the People to gaze at him, the Grandeur of
the Spectacle made one forget the real Horrors of War.

Many of the ardent Admirers of Prof. Guff, and Capt. Guff, and Judge
Guff, and Col. Guff believed that he had climbed to t