rly curtseyed me to
death.

Because, wherever I have called, I have found all the servants smiling
most unnaturally, and bringing me things I didn't want.

Because my little nephews have been so very affectionate to me lately.

Because my little nieces have run up to me, and kissed me in a way that
was more flattering than agreeable, and I have had my great coat and hat
and umbrella and goloshes pulled off me before I have had time to
inquire whether my brother (he is only a clerk) was at home.

Because I have been bothered out of my life with so many inquiries about
that "distressing cough" of mine, and have been recommended so many
wonderful remedies that were sure to cure it,--which remedies, if I had
only taken one half of them, I shouldn't be alive at the present moment.

Because the Waits wake me up at night, paying me the discordant
compliment of playing opposite my window longer than anybody else's.

And because--but I think I have said enough of these symptoms, which
luckily "come but once a year." After all, I don't know--perhaps they
are not so disagreeable, for the attentions one receives at this period
are as flattering to one's vanity as they are conducive to one's
comfort. The worst is, one knows they all spring out of a Christmas
Box--and these boxes, as I have learnt to my cost, are not to be had so
cheaply as bandboxes. The enjoyment would be all the more enjoyable, if
one hadn't to pay so dearly for it. During the Christmas month, my
outgoings invariably exceed my incomings;--otherwise, I like it well
enough, and shouldn't mind if the whole year were composed of nothing
but Christmas months.

* * * * *

A FIT PUNISHMENT.

Our Aldermen are such neglectful conservators of the river Thames, that
we propose they should be compelled to bathe in it regularly once a day,
until some great improvement has been effected in its inodorous
management.

* * * * *

ARCTIC MONOMANIA.

Those who send navigators to discover the North-west Passage remind us
of _Hamlet_, although he described himself as only mad North-north-west.

* * * * *

PHYSIC FOR ALL EUROPE.

Political convulsions will not yield to chloroform--they are to be cured
by reform only.

* * * * *

THE RETORT COURTEOUS.--The Retort that rectifies an error, and does it
in the most refined spirit.

*