Dorgan's cow. I admire Dorgan's cow. It's a pretty cow. I have often
leaned on th' fence an' watched Dorgan milkin' his cow. Sometimes I
wondhered in a kind iv smoky way why as good an' large a cow as that
shud let a little man like Dorgan milk her. But if Dorgan's cow shud
stand up on her hind legs, kick over the bucket, chase Dorgan out iv th'
lot, put on a khaki unyform, grab hold of a Mauser rifle an' begin
shootin' at me, I wudden't be more surprised thin I am at th' idee iv
Japan bein' wan iv th' nations iv th' wurruld. I don't see what th'
subjick races got to kick about, Hinnissy. We've been awfully good to
thim. We sint thim missionaries to teach thim th' error iv their
relligyon an' nawthin' cud be kinder thin that f'r there's nawthin'
people like betther thin to be told that their parents are not be anny
means where they thought they were but in a far more crowded an'
excitin' locality. An' with th' missionaries we sint sharpshooters that
cud pick off a Chinyman beatin' th' conthribution box at five hundherd
yards. We put up palashal goluf-coorses in the cimitries an' what was
wanst th' tomb iv Hung Chang, th' gr-reat Tartar Impror, rose to th'
dignity iv bein' th' bunker guardin' th' fifth green. No Chinyman cud
fail to be pleased at seein' a tall Englishman hittin' th' Chinyman's
grandfather's coffin with a niblick. We sint explorers up th' Nile who
raypoorted that th' Ganzain flows into th' Oboo just above Lake Mazap, a
fact that th' naygurs had known f'r a long time. Th' explorer announces
that he has changed th' names iv these wather-coorses to Smith,
Blifkins an' Winkinson. He wishes to deny th' infamyous story that he
iver ate a native alive. But wan soon succumbs to th' customs iv a
counthry an' Sir Alfred is no viggytaryan.

"An' now, be Hivin, all these here wretched millyons that we've done so
much f'r ar-re turnin' on us. Th' Japs threaten us with war. Th' Chinese
won't buy shoes fr'm us an' ar-re chasin' th' missionaries out iv their
cozy villas an' not even givin' thim a chance to carry away their
piannies or their silverware. There's th' divvle to pay all along th'
levee fr'm Manchurya to Madagascar, accordin' to Hogan. I begin to feel
onaisy. Th' first thing we know all th' other subjick races will be up.
Th' horses will kick an' bite, the dogs will fly at our throats whin we
lick thim, th' fishes will refuse to be caught, th' cattle an' pigs will
set fire to th' stock yards an' there'll be a g