Besides, I wore
gig-lamps at school. What do they know of Sussex who only Burwash know?"

MR. BEERBOHM TREE telephones: "The most beautiful of all arts is that
of make-up. We cannot all resemble _Caliban_, but why should not the
motorist aspire in that direction? Life is but a masque, and all roads
lead to 'His Majesty's.'"

Miss MARIE CORELLI telegraphs: "I am all for anonymity and everything
that tends to the avoidance of advertisement. If people must ride in
motors, let them have the decency to disguise themselves as effectually
as possible, and shun all contact with their kind."

Mr. JEM SMITH, cabdriver, in the course of an interview, said: "Masks?
Not 'arf! Let 'em out on the Fifth of November, and throw a match in
their oil-tanks--that's what _I_'d do! _I_'d anonymous the lot of 'em!"

POLICEMAN XX. (in the _role_ of a labourer behind a hedge on the
Brighton road): "'Oo are you a-gettin' at? Do you see any mote in my
eye? If you want to know the time, I've a stop-watch!"

* * * * *

Illustration: DIVISION OF LABOUR.--It is not the business of ducal
footmen to clean the family bicycles. The ladies Ermyntrude and
Adelgitha have to do it themselves.

* * * * *

_Enthusiastic Motorist_ (_to Perfect Stranger_). _I_ swear by petrol,
sir; always use it myself. Now what, may I ask, do _you_ use?

_Perfect Stranger._ Oats!

* * * * *

Illustration: JUGGERNAUTICAL.--_Unfortunate Cyclist_ (_who has been
bowled over by motor-car_). "Did you see the number?"

_Jarge._ "Yes, there was three on 'em. Two men and a woman."

* * * * *

Illustration: EXPECTATION.--The Browns welcoming the Robinsons (awfully
jolly people, don't you know,) from whom they have had a letter saying
that they will arrive early in the day by motor.

* * *

Illustration: REALISATION.--The Browns, when the arrivals have removed
their motor glasses, etc., disclosing not the Robinsons, but those awful
bores, the Smiths.

* * * * *

THERE WAS A NEW WOMAN

(_Neo-Nursery Rhyme_)

There was a New Woman, as I've heard tell,
And she rode a bike with a horrible bell,
She rode a bike in a masculine way,
And she had a spill on the Queen's highway.
While she lay stunned, up came Doctor Stout,
And he cast a petticoat her "knickers" about,
To hide the striped horrors wh