s text, brethern and sistern,' said the preacher, 'can be divided
into fo' heads. Fust, every man is somewhar. Second, most men is whar
they hain't got no business to be. Third, you'd better watch out or
that's whar you'll be yourself. Fo'th, infant baptism. And now, brethern
and sistern, I guess we might as well pass up the first three heads and
come immediately to the fo'th--infant baptism.'"

PROBABLY RIGHT

Here is a story of the late Lord Haversham's schooldays. Glancing
through his pocket-book, his mother saw a number of entries of small
sums, ranging from 2s. 6d. to 5s., against which were the letters "P.G."
Thinking this must mean the Propagation of the Gospel, she asked her son
why he did not give a lump sum and a larger amount to so deserving a
cause.

"That is not for the Propagation of the Gospel," he replied. "When I
cannot remember exactly on what I spend the money I put 'P.G.,' which
means 'Probably grub.'"

UNRETURNED FAVORS

A Connecticut farmer was asked to assist at the funeral of his
neighbor's third wife and, as he had attended the funerals of the two
others, his wife was surprised when he declined the invitation. On being
pressed to give his reason he said, with some hesitation:

"You see, Mary, it makes a chap feel a bit awkward to be always
accepting other folks's civilities when he never has anything of the
same sort of his own to ask them back to."

THE PROPER SPIRIT

Here is a story our wounded boys have brought back from the front about
Sir Douglas Haig.

Sir Douglas was, some few weeks ago, in a great hurry to get to a
certain place. He found his car, but the chauffeur was missing. So Sir
Douglas got in the car and drove off by himself. Then the driver
appeared and saw the car disappearing in the distance.

"Great Scot!" cried the driver, "there's 'Aig a-driving my car!"

"Well, get even with him," said a Tommy, standing by, "and go and fight
one of 'is battles for him."

EXPERIENCED

A judge presiding over a court in Washington, D.C., was administering
the oath to a boy of tender years, and to him put the following
question:

"Have you ever taken the oath? Do you know how to swear, my boy?"

Whereupon the lad responded: "Yes, sir. I am your caddie at the Chevy
Chase Club."

PERPETUAL MOTION

Alderman Curran, of New York City, worked his way through Yale College.
During his course he was kept very busy by the various jobs he did to
help with his expenses. On