l."

"Whose funeral is it?"

"My uncle's."

"When did your uncle die?"

"Lawd, boss, he ain't daid yit!"

"Then how do you know his funeral is going to take place on Friday?"

"'Case dey's gwine hang him Thursday!"

HIS COMPLAINT

To be truthful and at the same time diplomatic is one of the rarest of
combinations, and only a small boy would be equal to it:

Johnny's manners had been improving at home, but at what a cost to his
appetite when he had an invitation to dine at a boy friend's house! His
hostess said, concernedly, when dessert was reached, "You refuse a
second helping of pie? Are you suffering from indigestion, Johnny?" "No,
ma'am; politeness."

PUTTING IT UP TO THE HORSE

Pat had just joined a horse regiment, and was undergoing the necessary
practice in the riding school. After a particularly desperate attempt to
unseat its rider, the horse managed to entangle a hoof in one of the
stirrups.

"Begorra," said Pat, "if you're comin' on, then I'm gettin' off!"

THE WORM TURNED

A party of engineers were tracing a township line across some farm lands
in Illinois. As chance would have it, the line passed directly through a
large barn having double doors on each side of it, and they found they
could continue their measurements through the barn by opening the doors
and thus avoiding the dreaded detour. The owner watched their progress
with considerable interest, but made no comment until they had reached
the farther side of the barn, when he asked:

"Thet a railroad ye-all surveyin' fer?"

"Certainly," replied the chief.

The farmer meditated a bit as he closed the barn doors behind them, when
he remarked, somewhat aggressively, "I hain't got no objections ter
havin' er railroad on my farm, but I'll be darned ef I'm goin' ter git
up at all hours of the night ter open and shet them doors fer yer train
ter go through!"

MAKES A DIFFERENCE

The German may understand his own point of view, but he hates
exceedingly to have that point of view taken, even in part, by any one
else.

An official who has scrutinized the reports made by German diplomatic
representatives to their Government before the declaration of war
furnishes this extract from one of them:

"The Americans are very rough. If you call one of them a liar he does
not argue the matter after the manner of a German gentleman, but
brutally knocks you down. The Americans have absolutely no _Kultur_."

SOLVING A GREAT PROBLEM