The whole Irish question, and its perfect solution--at least from one
side--is summed up by the reply given by an Irishman to a professor,
who, when they chanced to meet, said:

"Pat, tell me, now, what is your solution to the world problem?"

"Well, sor," replied Pat, "I think we should have a world
democracy--with an Irishman for king!"

DIAGNOSED

Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had,
after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse.

A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn't
it wonderful? What do you think of him?"

"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily.

GETTING EVEN

The captain and the mate on board the _Pretty Polly_ were at
loggerheads. They scowled whenever they met, and seized opportunities of
scoring off each other with fearful glee. Each took a turn at making the
day's entries in the log-book, and the mate, when making his entries,
was very surprised to find, in the captain's handwriting, the words:

"June 2nd, 1917.--Mate drunk."

He stared at it wrathfully a moment, then a slow grin broke over his
face. He took his pen and wrote:

"June 3rd, 1917.--Captain sober."

KNEW HIS BUSINESS

A bellhop passed through the hall of the St. Francis Hotel whistling
loudly.

"Young man," said Manager Woods sternly, "you should know that it is
against the rules of this hotel for an employee to whistle while on
duty."

"I am not whistling, sir," replied the boy, "I'm paging Mrs. Jones's
dog."

THEN THINGS HAPPENED

Though she was old she wasn't by any means incapable of supporting
herself; and at the fresh, youthful age of seventy-nine she went into
the business of providing teas for perspiring cyclists, and storing the
cycles of those travellers who decided that they had better return by
train. Her first customers were four young men who left their cycles in
her charge while they explored the neighborhood. For each cycle she gave
them a ticket with a number upon it.

Late at night the tourists returned.

The old woman led them to their cycles with a smile of self-satisfaction
on her face.

"You'll know which is which," she told them, "because I've fastened
duplicate tickets on them."

They gratefully thanked her; and when they found their cycles they
discovered that the tickets were neatly pinned into each back tire!

WASN'T CALLING HER DEAR

Desirous of buying a camera, a certain fair young woman