--vain phrases! Do
not let us meet. I don't wish to be weak.

I am firm, I will be resolute. I mean to have the Duc de H----. I
love him at least. His dissipated life may be forgiven him. But the
other--no!

While writing I was interrupted by a noise. I thought some one was
going to surprise me. Even if what I have written were not seen, I
should blush all the same. Everything I wrote previously now seems
nonsense. Yet it is really exactly what I felt. I am calm now. Later
I will read it over again. That will bring back the past.

I love the Duc de H---- and I cannot tell him so. Even if I did, he
would pay no attention to it. O, God! I pray Thee! When he was here,
I had an object in going out, in dressing. But now! I went to the
terrace hoping to see him in the distance for at least a second.

O God, relieve my suffering! I can pray to Thee no more. Hear my
petition. Thy mercy is so infinite. Thy grace is so great, Thou hast
done so many things for me! Thou hast bestowed so many blessings
upon me. Thou alone canst inspire him with love for me!

Oh, dear! I imagine him dead, and that nothing can draw him nearer
to me. What a terrible thought! I have tears in my eyes, and still
more in my heart. I am weeping. If I did not love him I might
console myself. He would suit me for a husband in every respect. I
love him, and that is what makes me suffer. Take away this anguish,
and I shall be a thousand times more miserable. My grief makes my
happiness. I live solely for that. All my thoughts, everything is
centred there. The Duc de H---- is my all. I love him so much! It is
a very old-fashioned phrase, since people no longer love. Women love
men for money, and men love women because they are the fashion or on
account of their surroundings.

I could not say, "On such or such a day I met a young man whom I
liked." I do not know when I noticed him. I cannot even understand
these feelings, I cannot find expressions. I will only say, "I do
not know when, I do not know how this love has come. It came because
it probably had to come." I should like to define this, yet I
cannot.

Now, if he were paying me attention, he would think he was doing me
honour, but then I should make him see that it is I who honour him
by marrying him, because I am giving up all my glory. Yet what
happiness can be greater: To have everything--to be a child
worshipped by its parents, petted, having all a child can have. Then
to be known, admired, so