all
be, withal, a woman. Happy the man who will have me. He will possess
the earthly Paradise! Provided that he knows how to appreciate me!

I lack everything here, and yet I adore Nice. We always love what
does not love. _Sic factae sumus_. Everywhere else I am visiting, at
Nice I am at home, and the proverb says: However well off we may be
while visiting, we are better off at home. Nice! Nice! Thou ingrate!

I adore Nice and admire it from my window. I am happy and animated.
Why? I don't know. After all--Ah! let me alone! The cards tell the
truth, I believe in the cards; they have always said yes to me. I
must have an occupation, I am of a warlike disposition. I am ready
for everything. I ask only an idea. No doubt I shall be depressed
to-morrow, for this evening I am certainly on stilts.

The tower clock is striking nine. Lovely tower; lovely I! Ah! H----.

October 8th, 1875.

We went to N----'s. The good woman vexed and made me laugh at the
same time.

"The first thing to be done in Rome," said Mamma, "is to get
teachers of singing and painting."

"Yes," I replied, "and I am going to visit the galleries."

"But what will you do there?" asked Madame S----.

"Why, copy, study."

"Oh, but you are so far from that point," she said earnestly.

You understand, this foolish woman judges me in that way; but pshaw.
What do I care? Yet put yourself in my place, and you will
comprehend my annoyance, my irritation.

The good God is cruel. He gives me nothing. To ask the simplest,
the most possible thing, to ask it as a mercy, as a happiness, to
believe in God, to pray to Him, and to have nothing! Oh! I can see
people scoffing at me because I bring God into everything. The
poorest thing, by resistance, gains value! My ugly temper gives
importance to everything. No, frankly, I must become sensible and
mount on my pedestal, raise myself above my troubles. Has it ever
happened that everything goes wrong with you? The hair dresses
badly, the hat tilts every minute, the flounce on my skirt tears
each step I take, pebbles get into my slippers, cutting through my
stockings, and prick my feet.

I returned exasperated, and that horrid dog, F----, leaped joyfully
upon me. I went upstairs and it pursued me with its caresses. I kept
my patience, but when I reached my room I gave it a kick, and it ran
howling under my bed, but after a couple of minutes came back,
wagging its tail, and looking at me as if asking my pardon.