abuses you, and you endure and bow
before it. Oh, you men, if you read this, know that I am grieved to
the bottom of my heart to allow you so much importance, but it would
be both bad taste and bad tactics to decry your worth; the value of
our enemies enhances our own. What credit is it to conquer dunces?
Know, you who wear trousers, know that in me you have a foe. I take
pleasure in magnifying you men in order to maintain in myself the
noble ardour which animates me.

Saturday, October 23d, 1875.

I forgot to tell my yesterday's dream. I saw some mice, against
which I threw cats that choked them. Then these mice became serpents
and went into their holes, while the cats rushed upon me, especially
one that scratched my right leg. It is a bad dream. Ah! yes;
malediction! I see that there is nothing good for me in this world.
Why do you want to live when everything fails, everything goes
wrong? We have courage up to a certain point, we make ourselves
bold, we hope, but a moment comes when we have strength no longer.

Well! Jeer at me, you hardened people. What! you will say, you dare
to utter such words, when your mother is living, when you have an
aunt who worships you, a mother who obeys you, a fortune at your
command, when you are neither infirm nor ill. You are tempting God.

That is what you will tell me, and I shall answer that life is made
up of little things as the body is formed of molecules. When all the
molecules decay and go to the Old Nick, the body can no longer live.
It is the same with life when all that composes it, colours it,
makes it lovable, is lacking, turns out badly, when everything
escapes, when not the slightest wish is realised, when everything
vanishes, everything deceives. No, to go on in this way is
impossible. So I believe that God will recall me soon. It is not in
vain that two mirrors were broken this year. People will say that
when we are young, we often feel a desire to die, but that is
nonsense. I have no desire to die; but I foresee my own death, for a
life so useless, so miserable, cannot last.

I have interrupted myself ten times to weep and to think of this
summer; when I compare it with the present I am thoroughly wretched.
How many lost illusions! What hopes deceived! And I am rid of them.
I was going to say that my heart is torn, but it is not true; my
heart is whole, my mind is embittered, and deceptions destroy man.
Let us surround our hearts with triple brass. I will tr