t it is unable to function because of an unrecognized taboo in
our culture.

This taboo, hitherto unrecognized as such, prevents married couples from
sharing their intramarital experiences with other couples. In many
settings married couples form friendships with each other, enjoy social
contacts, even work together on projects; but there is always a tacit
understanding that they do not reveal to each other, further than is
unavoidable, what is going on in their husband-wife relationships.
Complex mechanisms for evasion and mutual defense exist. Some of these
are familiar, strong hostility in one partner when the other appears to
be revealing too much; making jokes to relieve tension when some inner
secret of the marriage accidently breaks to the surface; silence or
withdrawal when "outsiders" appear to be probing too deeply. These
defense systems work so well that it is not unusual when a couple begins
divorce proceedings for others in their circle of acquaintance to
express astonishment in such terms as "We are amazed! We had no idea
that they were having trouble!"

We could speculate about the reasons for this taboo: a protection
against public humiliation, since we all want others to feel that we can
manage competently such a basic undertaking as marriage; a safeguard
against exploitation, since a discontented marriage partner offers fair
game to a predatory third person; a link with our sexual taboos, since
difficulties in marital adjustment often have a sexual component, and
any suggestion of sexual incompetence is deeply wounding to our pride.
It could reflect the traditional tendency to regard the family as a
closed "in-group"--an attitude not without advantages for its strength
and stability.

What we are concerned about, however, is that this taboo is being
maintained with a strictness that goes far beyond its usefulness in our
changing society. It is depriving married couples of help and support
from each other, at a time when marriage has become much more difficult
and demanding than it was in the past. Indeed, we believe that with the
emergence of the nuclear family as the norm in our Western culture, the
individual marriage has been deprived of the supports derived from the
extended family of the past precisely at a time when our rising
expectations of highly rewarding interpersonal relationships are
subjecting it to demands it is often unable to meet. In the larger
family groupings of the Orient, despi