lings with us all
otherwise the fellowship will be broken. Situations have occurred in
which someone had a concern that another member of the group also had
and neither was expressing.

As a group cannot function effectively without openness to each other on
the part of its members, neither can a marriage grow without the same
kind of openness between its partners. This is what every married couple
should be doing every day--raising issues that need to be discussed, and
being honest about disturbed or negative feelings.

There is a sequence of events that is typical of most retreats. Nearly
always, we begin with general discussion of some aspect of married life.
At this stage we are testing each other, so we take refuge in
generalizations. A common theme is the difficulties of raising children.
We can all commiserate with each other about the problems of the
generation gap for it is "safer" to talk about parenthood than about
marriage. If the talk _does_ focus on marriage, such topics as working
wives or overworked husbands or the sharing of household tasks can be
discussed without risk.

The group will move at its own pace from the superficial testing stage
to the deeper sharing. The leaders can facilitate this process, but it
isn't helpful if they try to hurry it. "Personalizing" the discussion by
using such questions as "Mary, did you raise that subject because it's
an issue between you and Tom?" or "I wonder if any couple could give us
an example from their own experience of what Harold has been talking
about?" is helpful.

Once a couple have shared some situation in their own relationship, one
of the leaders can ask "Did any of the rest of you identify with Peg and
Larry as they were talking?" This will help other couples to share
rather than discuss, and move the communication to a deeper level. A
phrase we often use is "making yourself vulnerable"--an act of trust by
sharing a problem about which the couple feels some embarrassment. The
group's response to this is invariably warm and supportive with an
effort to help by sharing similar problems which others have experienced
or are experiencing. Sometimes a major breakthrough is achieved when the
_leaders_ are willing to be vulnerable.

This process of deep sharing must not be seen as an orgy of humiliating
confessions. Not at all. The areas where the growth of a marriage is
blocked are almost always sensitive ones which we tend to keep hidden
because they m