I am pleased about anything I can't restrain myself
and am ready to talk any stuff. But, I say, we are chattering away here
about nothing, and that doctor has been a long time in there. But perhaps
he's examining the mamma and that poor crippled Nina. I liked that Nina,
you know. She whispered to me suddenly as I was coming away, 'Why didn't
you come before?' And in such a voice, so reproachfully! I think she is
awfully nice and pathetic."

"Yes, yes! Well, you'll be coming often, you will see what she is like. It
would do you a great deal of good to know people like that, to learn to
value a great deal which you will find out from knowing these people,"
Alyosha observed warmly. "That would have more effect on you than
anything."

"Oh, how I regret and blame myself for not having come sooner!" Kolya
exclaimed, with bitter feeling.

"Yes, it's a great pity. You saw for yourself how delighted the poor child
was to see you. And how he fretted for you to come!"

"Don't tell me! You make it worse! But it serves me right. What kept me
from coming was my conceit, my egoistic vanity, and the beastly
wilfullness, which I never can get rid of, though I've been struggling
with it all my life. I see that now. I am a beast in lots of ways,
Karamazov!"

"No, you have a charming nature, though it's been distorted, and I quite
understand why you have had such an influence on this generous, morbidly
sensitive boy," Alyosha answered warmly.

"And you say that to me!" cried Kolya; "and would you believe it, I
thought--I've thought several times since I've been here--that you despised
me! If only you knew how I prize your opinion!"

"But are you really so sensitive? At your age! Would you believe it, just
now, when you were telling your story, I thought, as I watched you, that
you must be very sensitive!"

"You thought so? What an eye you've got, I say! I bet that was when I was
talking about the goose. That was just when I was fancying you had a great
contempt for me for being in such a hurry to show off, and for a moment I
quite hated you for it, and began talking like a fool. Then I fancied--just
now, here--when I said that if there were no God He would have to be
invented, that I was in too great a hurry to display my knowledge,
especially as I got that phrase out of a book. But I swear I wasn't
showing off out of vanity, though I really don't know why. Because I was
so pleased? Yes, I believe it was because I was so pleased