ecret," Mitya whispered hurriedly. "I meant to
tell you later, for how could I decide on anything without you? You are
everything to me. Though I say that Ivan is superior to us, you are my
angel. It's your decision will decide it. Perhaps it's you that is
superior and not Ivan. You see, it's a question of conscience, question of
the higher conscience--the secret is so important that I can't settle it
myself, and I've put it off till I could speak to you. But anyway it's too
early to decide now, for we must wait for the verdict. As soon as the
verdict is given, you shall decide my fate. Don't decide it now. I'll tell
you now. You listen, but don't decide. Stand and keep quiet. I won't tell
you everything. I'll only tell you the idea, without details, and you keep
quiet. Not a question, not a movement. You agree? But, goodness, what
shall I do with your eyes? I'm afraid your eyes will tell me your
decision, even if you don't speak. Oo! I'm afraid! Alyosha, listen! Ivan
suggests my _escaping_. I won't tell you the details: it's all been
thought out: it can all be arranged. Hush, don't decide. I should go to
America with Grusha. You know I can't live without Grusha! What if they
won't let her follow me to Siberia? Do they let convicts get married? Ivan
thinks not. And without Grusha what should I do there underground with a
hammer? I should only smash my skull with the hammer! But, on the other
hand, my conscience? I should have run away from suffering. A sign has
come, I reject the sign. I have a way of salvation and I turn my back on
it. Ivan says that in America, 'with the good-will,' I can be of more use
than underground. But what becomes of our hymn from underground? What's
America? America is vanity again! And there's a lot of swindling in
America, too, I expect. I should have run away from crucifixion! I tell
you, you know, Alexey, because you are the only person who can understand
this. There's no one else. It's folly, madness to others, all I've told
you of the hymn. They'll say I'm out of my mind or a fool. I am not out of
my mind and I am not a fool. Ivan understands about the hymn, too. He
understands, only he doesn't answer--he doesn't speak. He doesn't believe
in the hymn. Don't speak, don't speak. I see how you look! You have
already decided. Don't decide, spare me! I can't live without Grusha. Wait
till after the trial!"

Mitya ended beside himself. He held Alyosha with both hands on his
shoulders, and his y