no longer satisfied or
filled me in the least. How could I contemplate His exquisite
perfections, the ineffable beauties of His mind and heart, and,
turning from these to the sight of the world and of the men and
women that I knew, not feel the difference? Where among my
friends could I find perfect love? Amongst husbands and wives? No.
Amongst mothers and children? No. For everywhere I saw discord,
secret selfishness, separate and divided desires, and many deceits. I
found no love anywhere like His for us. I was always an epicure in
the matter of love, and knew the best when I found it. I continued
with my social and home life exactly as before: the change was an
inward change.

Almost immediately after this the war came, and, with it, torments
of anxiety over my earthly loves.

The fearful anxieties I was in drove me to prayer. I began to pray
more regularly; but though I prayed, I remained as miserable as
before. A painful illness came, and lasted four months. I had no
home because of the war, and nowhere to be ill in peace: and I drank
and ate wretchedness as my daily bread and wine, and wondered
why I ever was born.

I cannot recall I was ever rebellious. No, I never was. I walked in a
maze of trouble, and endured like a poor dumb thing, _and did not
throw out my heart to God enough_ in prayer. If I had done this I
think I should have been through my pains in half the time.

Two years went by, and, being in greater anxiety than ever because
of a great battle that was going on and my love at the front of it, I
went up on the hill where I often went, and standing there I
contended with God, crying out, "It is too much--the pain of this war
is too great and too long; I cannot bear it. I am at an end of
everything. Help me! Help me!" And in my anguish I seemed at last
to be melted and running like water before Him, and I came before
Him as it were immediately before a mighty and living Presence,
though I saw nothing.

But though I was so near Him and appealed to Him with the whole
of my strength, there was no answer, no reply, but the great silence
of heaven.

At last, my agony over, I walked for a little, very quiet and very sad,
and all at once a marvellous thing happened to me. I will not here
describe how it was done to me, but He filled me with love for
Himself, an amazing, all-absorbing, and tremendous love--from the
crown of my head to the soles of my feet I was filled with love. And
this was His answ