d reach now!" An object of quite ordinary charm
seemed, because of that something which now filled me, to expand
into prodigious beauty! The very pavements and houses, mean and
hideous as they are, overflowed with some inexplicable glamour.
The world was turned into a veritable paradise! When I thought of it
all I was filled with amazement, and still am, for how can we
explain such changes in manner of living and seeing? At this time
my only trouble or difficulty was to conceal my condition from
others.

But this wonderful state of things gradually passed away, and I went
into a most difficult condition. At one time of the day I would be in
an ecstasy of delight, and an hour later in some altogether
unreasonable depth of wretchedness. I went to and fro from one
extreme to the other, and my time was, I think, mostly spent in
trying to regain some kind of balance. My love for God was as great
as ever, but it had become a love all made of tears. Indeed, my
whole being seemed made of tears. I thought often of these words,
the peace of God; most certainly I had not found it. On the contrary,
my life had become an indescribable turmoil. I found no help from
my fellow-beings; I seemed to have lost the power of talking
pleasantly with them, and my point of view had become different
from theirs. Men could no longer please me, and I could not please
God! I was entirely alone spiritually, and I said to myself it would
be better if I could be alone physically as well; and I ached and
longed and dreamed of solitude till it was like a sickness. But the
only solitude I could have was in my own room.

Now, believing myself to be a sensible and practical person, I would
say to myself that my condition, being so unreasonable, must be got
out of, and I must make every effort to do it. I prayed for two
things--that I might love God with a cheerful countenance and not with
tears, and that He would teach me quickly what to pray for; and He
gave me the impulse to pray for more and greater love.

Next, I banished my own feelings as much as I could (since love
must not think of itself), paying as little attention to them as possible
by perpetually dropping them out as they came and returning to the
thought of Jesus, concerning myself at all times of the day to loving
inward conversation with Him; and in this manner I fastened myself
closer than ever to Him, continually praying for greater love to give
Him and passionately offering Him all t