ither of these, but to God only.

Before I was touched upon the hill I was not aware of the locality of
any part of my soul, neither was there anything which could
convince me that I even possessed a soul. I did no more than believe
and suppose that I did possess one. But the soul, once revived,
becomes the most powerful and vivid part of our being; we are not
able any longer to mistake its possession or position in the body. She
is indeed the wonderful and lovely mistress of us, with which alone
we can unlock the mysteries of God's love.

* * *

How poor and cold a thing is mere belief! No longer do I _believe_
in Jesus Christ: I do _possess Him._ So complete is the change that
He brings about in us that I now only count my life and my time
from the first day of this new God-consciousness that I received
upon the hill, for that was the first day of my real life; just as
formerly I would count my time from the first day of my physical
birth, and from that on to my falling in love and to my marriage,
which once seemed to me to be the most important dates.

Whilst these changes were taking place in me I would often be filled
with uneasiness and some alarm; asking myself what all this could
mean, and if it could be the way of martyrs or saints, for I had no
courage or liking to be one or the other and was very frightened of
suffering. And I think my cunning heart would have liked to take all
the sweets and leave the bitter. How well He knew this, and how
exquisitely He handled me, never forcing, only looking at me,
_inviting_ me with those marvellous perfections of His! How could
I possibly resist Him? All the while, all my waking hours, I felt that
strange, new, incomprehensible, steady, insistent _drawing_ and urgency
of the Spirit in me. Little by little I went--and still go--_towards_
perfection, whilst my cowardly heart endured many fears,
but these are now past. It was not any desire for my own salvation;
to this I have never given so much as two thoughts. It was the
_irresistible attraction_ of our marvellous and beautiful God. He
lured, He drew me with His loveliness, His holy perfections, His
unutterable purity. _I longed to please Him._ The whole earth was
filled with the glamour of Him, and I filled with horror to see how
utterly unlike--apart from the glorious Beloved--I was. How
frightful my blemishes, which must stink in His nostrils! Think of it!
To stink in the nostrils of the Beloved! What lover could