his new kind of living He holds us firmly, as
it were, to a condition suitable for contact with Him. If He did not
do so, having had no previous practice, we should never remain in it
for two moments together. Then little by little He teaches us to live
with less frequent joy, and this is the cause of much difficulty and
trouble. It is hard to endure being without this blessed state and
these marvellous favours, and more and more I found He withdrew
them whilst often my worldly and commonplace heart and mind still
held me back--_even from peace._ If we could but rid ourselves
quickly of all selfish desires and greeds! Not until I had learnt to do
this was I given back my joys, and then sparingly.

How I would turn towards that secret door--the door of the kingdom
of love,--and calling to Him, hear no reply! Where is He gone?--why
this desertion?--I would cry. How can He cause such pain, how can I
bear such dreadful deprivations, and what is love but a sharp sword?
Lord, let me hear Thy voice, for I am in despair; I cannot bear these
pains, I fear for everything, my joy is lost. My bread is spread with
bitterness; where is the honey that I love so well? Lord, call to me
even from far away, and I shall hear and be consoled. Lord, I am
sick and ill--how canst Thou leave me so? Hast Thou no pity for my
pain?--is this Thy love? _My_ pain! Lord, I remember! Thou hast
been kissed by pain more frequently than I. Oh, let me wipe the
memory of Thy pain away with my warm love, and let me sing to
Thee and be Thy lark, and do Thou go and wander where Thou wilt
and I will love Thee just the same! And softly the Voice of the
Beloved, saying: "I am here, I never left thee; but thou wast busy
crying of thy pains and did not hear Me when I answered thee."
Lord, so I was! I was so filled with self, and, asking for _Thy gifts, I
did forget to give!_ and so lost love.

* * *

It is hard to conquer in small things, petty irritations, worries, cares
of this world, likes and dislikes--all of these being subtle temptations,
and all selfish. For instance, very often I find the human voice the
most horrible thing that I know! I will be in a beautiful state of mind,
and people around me will drag me from it with their maddening
inanities of conversation. This one will speak of the weather, and
that one of food; another of scandal, another of amusements. They
will talk of their love for a dog, for a horse, for golf, for men or
women; but never