desire to give pleasure, to give only pain--I, who so hate to cause
suffering, to inflict nothing else on my best friends--oh, this is
_hard_!... I write by feeling with eyes closed. It is midnight; and, as
usual, I am and have been sleepless. I am full of tossings to and fro
until the dawn. All temporal blessings seem to be expressed by one
word--_Sleep_.... Disease is advancing with rapid strides; many symptoms
of paralysis; that or insanity certain, unless God in mercy to myself
and my friends takes me home first.

_31st._--"Here then to Thee Thine own I leave--
Mould as Thou wilt Thy passive clay;
But let me all Thy stamp receive,
But let me all Thy words obey.
Serve with a single heart and eye,
And to Thy glory live or die."

_Jan. 26, 1859._--Cars ran through from Adams to Troy _first time_.
Eddy studying Greek, Latin, etc., at school; Geology at home. _Feb.
3d._--Much of the day in intense bodily anguish, but have had lately
more of Christ in my heart. Albert is reading me a precious sermon by
Huntingdon on "a life hid with Christ in God." Oh, to learn more of
Christ and His love! _5th._--O God, who art _rich_ in mercy, if Thou
art looking for some creature on whom to bestow it, behold the poorest,
neediest, emptiest of all Thou hast made, and _satisfy_ me with Thy
mercy. _Sunday, 6th._--How thankful I am for the many good books I have!
and oh, how I stand _amazed_ at the faith and patience of God's dear
children (Mrs. Coutts, _e.g._), to _read_ of whose sufferings makes
my heart bleed and almost murmur on their account. _March 17th._--"So
foolish was I and ignorant, I was as a _beast_ before Thee." Oh, howr it
comforts me that there is such a verse in the Bible as this! It comes
_near_ describing my folly, stupidity, ignorance, and blindness....
Quite overcome to-day by a most unexpected favor from my dear friends
the Jameses, [7] who I thought had forgotten me. _April 12th._--My love
to my dear, dear sister. I shall never see her, never write to her, but
we will spend eternity together.

_Dec 1st._--Albert opened the _piano_, and, for the first time in _six
years_, I touched it. Beautiful flower-pictures from Lizzy. [8]

_Sunday, Jan._ 1, 1860.--"Out of weakness were made strong." This is
the verse which has been given me as a motto for the year. May it be
fulfilled in my experience! But should it not be so to my apprehen