iculate, I certainly should not go for pleasure." I'm
so awfully miserable that I simply can't wear a red ribbon in my hair,
though red suits me best. I generally wear a black one now, but since
yesterday a brown one, for Mother said: "Oh, Gretel, do give up that
black ribbon; it looks so gloomy and does not suit you at all." Of course
I could not tell Mother _how_ I was feeling, so I took the brown one and
said the red ribbon was quite worn out.

April 12th. I never get my diary written. It's so gloomy at home for
Mother is very bad. Oswald is coming home to-morrow for the Easter
holidays and Mother is looking forward so to seeing him. I was to have
gone with Hella and her father to Maria-Zell, for this year they
are probably going to take a house for the summer in Mitterbach or
Mitterberg near Maria-Zell. But I am not going after all, for I don't
feel inclined, and I think Mother is better pleased that I should not;
for she said: "So I shall have all my three darlings together here at
Easter." When she said that I wanted to cry, and I ran quickly out of
the room so that she might not see me. But she must have seen, for after
dinner she said: "Gretel, if you really _want_ to go with the Bruckners,
I should like you to; I should be so glad for you to have a little
pleasure, you have not had much enjoyment all the winter." And then I
could not stop myself, and I burst out crying and said: "No, Mother, I
won't go on any account. All I want is that you should get quite well
again." And then Mother cried too and said: "Darling, I'm afraid I shall
never be quite well again, but I should like to stay until you are all
grown up; after that you won't need me so much." Then Dora came in and
when she saw that Mother was crying she said that Father had sent
for me. He hadn't really but in the evening she told me that Mother's
illness was hopeless, but that I must not do anything to upset her
or let her see what I was feeling. And then we both cried a lot and
promised one another that we would always stay with Father.

May 16th. Mother died on April 24th, the Sunday after Easter. We are all
so awfully unhappy. Hardly anyone says a word at mealtimes, only Father
speaks to us so lovingly. Most likely Aunt Dora will stay here for good.
It's not three weeks yet since Mother was buried, but in one way we feel
as if she had already been dead three years, and in another way one is
always suddenly wanting to go into her room, to ask her so