U. S. A. to the Red Carnation Social Club. Instead of sittin' around
knockin' winners every time the papers print a new one, give yourself
the once over and see if you can find out what _your_ trick is. You
may only be able to wiggle your left ear funnier than anybody on the
block--Great! _Cash on it_! It's a cinch you can do _somethin',_ and
once you find out what that somethin' is, the rest is as easy as
fallin' off Pike's Peak!

No--easier! Because you gotta climb Pike's Peak before you can fall
off. You may be a guy like Hector Sells, which started life with a
straight flush, and played it like it was a pair of deuces. If
somebody hadn't peeped over his shoulder, seen what he held and played
it for him, Hector would still be thinkin' that the only guy in the
world drawin' over twenty bucks a week was J. P. Morgan. As it is,
Hector has $2.75 right now for every wave in the ocean, and when you go
to see him, you become acquainted with all the office boys in the world.

Here's the answer.

One night after dinner the wife and I are provin' to each other that
the road of true love is rough and full of detours, when they's a ring
at the bell. We practised self-denial and laid off scrappin' long
enough for friend wife to open the door. I made a bet with myself and
win easy. In comes Alex.

"Huh!" he says. "Is they an argument goin' on here again?"

"You said it!" I tells him. "Come on in, you're just in time. We'll
make it three-handed!"

"I don't know why you got married when you're always quarrelin'," he
says, sittin' down.

"That ain't all you don't know!" I says.

"Kindly lay off my cousin," says the wife. "They ain't no use in
showin' the world that I have married a brute!"

With that she presses four dollars' worth of Irish lace against her
eyes and develops a cold in the head. So the same as usual, I went
over and patted her on the shoulder which was shakin' the most.

"You win, honey!" I says, with a dollar's worth of vaseline on every
word. "I'll never speak another harsh word to you or Alex again. The
next time I feel sarcastic, I'll go out in the kitchen and have some
words with the cat. Everybody in the apartment house knows what I
think of _you_, and I must be _wild_ over Alex or he'd never be in this
flat a second time. If--"

"Never mind the salve!" cuts in the wife. "You'd talk your way out of
pneumonia!"

But they was a smile went with that--the same giggle that used to