best of it by devourin' all
the crackers and jam. "I expect to go to Washington this week and
offer my services to Mister Hoover."

"What was you thinkin' of doing for Mister Hoover, Alex?" says the wife.

"I got a scheme for--," he begins, when I ceased firin' on the bacon
and eggs and arose.

"Listen!" I butts in. "I don't like to walk out in the middle of your
act, Alex, but I gotta date. I have just bought a infielder from
Jersey City which they tell me is a second Ty Cobb. The last guy which
come recommended to me like that acted like hittin' the ball was a
felony and he must of figured that droppin' grounders put Cobb over. I
have give everything but the franchise for this new bird, and I wanna
see right now if he's one of them things or a ball player."

"Don't make no engagements for to-night," says the wife, "because we're
goin' to the movies with them lovely Wilkinsons."

"Who's them lovely Wilkinsons?" I says.

"You could spend a year at the bottom of the ocean and never get
acquainted with a fish!" says the wife. "The Wilkinsons is the people
which just moved in across the hall. Her husband is a salesman for a
big wholesale clothing house downtown and if you're nice to him he can
prob'ly get you a raincoat or something, for a great deal different
price than you'd pay yourself."

"Yeh," I says. "It would no doubt cost me about ten bucks _more_, if I
bought it from him! I know them birds. That guy will gimme his card
and send me down to the foundry where he works, and they'll sell me
somethin' which has graced their shelves for the last ten years, at ten
per cent over the retail price. The public will laugh me outa wearin'
it and, on top of that, this guy will want the first five rows at the
world's series for doin' me the favor! Anyways, I don't need no
raincoat, I got two already."

"I never seen nobody like you," says the wife. "I'll bet you think the
war was a frame-up! Accordin' to you, nobody or nothin' is on the
level, and the whole world and Yonkers is out to give you the work. I
have already talked with Mister Wilkinson, which is a nice little
innocent fellow and not a brute like you which battles night and day
with his wife, and he will have a raincoat up here for you to-morrow."

I throwed up my hands!

"How much is it?" I says.

"Practically nothin'," says the wife. "Forty-five dollars."

Oh, boy!

"Listen!" I says, openin' the door. "Unless that bird has give you h