nce how long have I became the maid around here?"

"Before we were married," she says, sinkin' the last of the cream in
her coffee--a thing she knows full well practically always enrages me.
"Before we was wed, you claimed you'd do anything for me."

"A man can kid, can't he?" I says.

"Don't get catty, dear," says the wife, still featurin' that million
dollar smile. "Hurry, there goes the bell again. You really should
put on your collar and tie before answering the door, too."

"Who d'ye think is payin' us a call--Wilson?" I says. "I ain't
supposed to wear a dress suit in to breakfast, am I?"

They is no answer from the trenches across the table, outside of the
munchin' of food, and as our door bell is makin' the telephone green
with envy from the way it was ringin', I went out and opened the
portals to our flat.

In comes Alex the Great, undisputed champion pest of the world.

He throws his hat on the sofa, kisses the wife, pulls a chair up to the
table and reaches over for the paper. Every one of them things is sure
fire for gettin' my goat!

"No wonder you people never get nowheres!" he remarks. "Sleepin' away
half the day. Here it is eleven o'clock and you just havin' breakfast!
I was up at six, had a ice cold bath and walked ten miles."

"I wish you had of made it eleven!" I says.

"Why?" he asks me.

"Because," I says, "that would of brung you a even two blocks past our
house and I could of had my breakfast in peace."

"How often have I told you that I don't come here to see you?" he
snarls. "If it wasn't for Cousin Alice, I'd never come near your flat!"

"You stayed away a month once," I says, "and she managed to keep out of
the hospitals."

"Oh, hush!" says the wife. "You boys are always snappin' at each
other. A outsider would think you was in business together or
something. How is everything, Alex?"

"Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands together and castin' a hungry eye
over the bacon and eggs. "I already had a breakfast fit for a king,
but the early mornin' air gimme a fresh appetite. I think I could
stand a little of that bacon and--"

"They's only one piece left," I says, spearin' it with my fork. "Try
and get it!"

"Will you be still?" says the wife. "We have plenty in the ice box,
Alex, if you want some."

"Don't be blowin' about how much food we got in the ice box," I says.
"They may be some spies from Hoover's office around."

"That reminds me," says Alex, makin' the