up
friends in Australia!"

"Here!" butts in Alex. "This thing's gotta stop! Come on, kiss and
make up. The first thing you know the Red Cross will be openin' a
branch here. If I didn't know how much you people loved each other,
I'd get the idea that you was really angry."

"Of course we love each other!" I says. "We only pull this now and
then so's we won't get sickenin' to the neighbors by billin' and cooin'
_all_ the time! Ain't I right, honey?"

"Are you sorry?" inquires the wife.

"Sorry?" I says. "Why, I'd go out and buy a tube of carbolic acid if
it wasn't so high!"

With that they was peace.

We're just sittin' down to a well-earned meal, when the bell rings
again. Actin' as maid is one of the best things I do around my five
rooms, if you count the bath, so I answered it. They was a man and a
woman standin' there and my heart run up to play with my tonsils when I
seen them. I figured they was a couple more guests for dinner and you
knew what they're askin' for steak these days.

"I'm sorry to bother you," says the dame, "but we are the people who
live in the flat right under yours."

"If you think we're too noisy, moan to the landlord!" I says, "I gotta
right to stage an argument in my flat whenever I so choose!"

She giggles. The guy that was with her don't make a sound.

"Why, I'm sure we never heard any noise from above," she says. "I
think you and your wife are no doubt the quietest folks in the whole
house."

Oh, boy!!!

"How long have you been deaf?" I says.

"You're just like your wife claims," she grins. "Full of life and fun!
But I'm keepin' you from your food, ain't I? I wanted to know if you'd
let Mister Simmons climb down your fire escape."

"Feed him some veronal," I says, "and he'll no doubt be O.K. in the
mornin'. The first day is always tough!"

"Why, what do you mean?" she says. "I merely asked if my husband could
climb down your fire escape."

I seen I had wild pitched the first time, so I tried my luck again.

"Is your joint on fire?" I says.

"Oh, no!" she tells me. "But we are locked out. My husband invented a
new kind of lock--he's always inventing something that will do
everything but work. He put this lock on our door and now he can't
open it himself! Isn't that killing?"

"A riot!" I admits. "Come right in."

The wife is gettin' nervous at me bein' out there so long, and when she
heard a female voice laughin', of course that didn't help mat