I want to make
up a sum," etc., etc.,--and then of course came a lie. At length she said
one bright sunny morning it was, I had poked her, and was laying on the
sofa afterwards, she sitting on the easy-chair, her lovely breasts
out, one beautiful leg over the other showing slightly the flesh of her
thighs, "You won't see much more of me,--we are going abroad."

I started as if I had been shot at. "You?--nonsense,--never." "I am
indeed,--I'm sick of this life, and will go anywhere, do anything to get
out of it."

I sank back on the sofa sobbing, it came home to me all at once that
I was madly in love with her. I was dazed with my own discovery,--I in
love with a gay woman! one whose cunt might have had a thousand pricks
up it! who might have sprung from any dung-hill!--impossible! I felt mad
with myself,--degraded!--impossible,--it could not be,--and for a time
I conquered myself. I tried then to draw her out about herself. It
was useless. Her quiet way of asserting that she _was_ going at length
brought home the conviction that she spoke the truth. Then I laid and
sobbed on the sofa for half-an-hour. "Oh! you will soon get another
friend," said she. "No, no,--I can get a woman, but not one I shall
like,--Sarah my darling, Sarah I love you,--I dote on you,--oh! for
God's sake don't leave,--come with me,--you shan't lead this life,--we
will go abroad together."

"That is impossible,--if I did you would leave me, and then what should
I do?--come back to this life,--no." "You are going with somebody
else,--who?" "I can't say,--I'll tell you when I am gone." "When are you
going?" "Perhaps in a fortnight, perhaps a little later on."

I calmed for a time, a fortnight might give me a chance of persuading
her, and I began it at once; but it was all, "No,--no,--no,--it's all
for the best for both of us,"--and again I fell into deep despair, my
heart felt breaking, I had been so happy with this woman for months, she
had so filled my thoughts, so occupied my spare time, that I had half
forgotten my home life. Now I felt alone again, I had told her some
of my troubles,--not all,--now I poured them all out, and offered
everything,--all I had,--to go that next day abroad, and never return;
that I would make her love me though she did not now, I promised all men
could promise,--and meant it.

"No,--no,--impossible,"--and again I fell back on the sofa sobbing like
an infant, I have almost the deadly heart-ache now as I write this.