es
one gentleman here,--she took quite a fancy to you, though she only saw
you once." But I was desperate, and rushed out of the house. Where I
went to, I don't even recollect, but went home at last very drunk,--an
extraordinary occurence for me.

For some days I was prostrate in mind, and almost in body, but at length
recovered sufficiently to attend a little to my affairs which had gone
altogether to the bad for a month, and had been going bad for many
months. I resolutely set myself against going to J... s Street, and
would not have women; indeed scarcely knew where to lay my hand on
a shilling, so necessity had perhaps as much to do with my virtue as
anything else; but I was generally in a weak, low state of health, and
really believe, though it seems to me almost incredible now, that it was
well nigh three weeks before I touched or saw a cunt after Sarah left.

Then one Sunday I had erections all day long. After dinner lust drove me
nearly mad; so I went to my room, took a clean sheet of white paper,
and frigged myself over it. My prick only slightly subsided, I frigged
again, and then as the paper lay before me covered with sperm-pools I
cried, because it was not up my dear Sarah's vagina, laid my head on
the table where the paper lay, and sobbed with despair, jealousy, and
regrets, for I thought some one would fuck her if I did not, that it
would be her hateful husband whom she had helped to keep with my money.

I may say here that on several occasions of my life I have frigged
myself over a clean sheet of foolscap paper; it was mostly done for
curiosity, to see what my sperm was like, whether it was as thin, or
as thick, or as large in quantity as at the last time I previously had
masturbated.

I could not after that Sunday keep away from J...s Street, and went
there the next day. "I don't expect she'll write to you," said Hannah,
"even if she said she would,--what will be the use?--it will only make
you miserable." But I felt sure she would, and kept away from women
still for some time after that,--I was stumped for money among other
reasons. Then I began to spend involuntarily in the night, which to me
was more hateful than frigging myself; so one night I went out for a bit
of cheap quim. Whether I saw Brighton Bessie or not I can't say, but I
think I did, and did later on.

I went first into the streets near a large well-known tavern at a
spot where several big thoroughfares meet, and where there is a la