"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"

"People kept thinking it was something to drink."

* * *

A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a very
portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing
the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for
eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out:
"Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"

* * *

_First Little Girl:_ What's your last name, Annie?

_Second Little Girl:_ Don't know yet; I ain't married.

* * *

_Kloseman:_ I didn't see you in church last Sunday.

_Keen:_ Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.

* * *

A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her
husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the
funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah,"
said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself
up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahs
to see dat I'se got on gloves?"

* * *

_Dad_ (_sternly_): Where were you last night?

_Son:_ Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.

_Dad:_ Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.

* * *

Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah,
there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses
is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the
woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are
all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young
fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my
ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's
dresses."

* * *

A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business,
but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the
farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said
one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of
fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has
ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer--that's wha