vill pay in Yanuary."

"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to
pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"

"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven
you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."

* * *

TRUE TO LIFE

Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his
"picter" Ian MacPherson came along.

"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.

"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o'
it?"

"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like
ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"

"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."

"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."

* * *

WHAT HE PREFERRED

"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the
Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.

"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was
owed; "I prefer the cash!"

"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"

"A spade."

"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."

* * *

During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually
large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor,
and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have
a zero on this examination."

"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower
than that."

* * *

The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the
cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who
was tinkering with the pipes.

"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.

"Been in the trade long?"

"'Bout a year, guv'nor."

"Ever made any mistakes?"

"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."

"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected
up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying
like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."

* * *

A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a
glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile:
"I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to----"

"Out with you," interrupted the man.

"Wouldn't you like