of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker,
"that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have
risen tremendously in price?"

"Y'er right, stranger," replied the native, "and it ain't worth drinkin'
when ye get it."

* * *

NOTHING TO FEAR

_Irate Golfer:_ "You must take your children away from here, madam; this
is no place for them."

_Mother:_ "Now don't you worry--they can't 'ear nothin' new--their
father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!"

* * *

MISLED

_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were
advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they
were empty."

_The Lawyer:_ "Well, what do you expect?"

_The Client:_ "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. o. b. means?"

* * *

During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked
how it was that the Jews were so wise.

"Because," said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offered
to sell one for ten dollars.

After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit
into it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring."

"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already."

* * *

"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and
would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little
money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary,
twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000
when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I
shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will
have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked,
"You haven't one about fifty, have you?"

* * *

"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I
told you, when they called?"

"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an'
shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."

* * *

"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"

"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."

"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him
he might find out some things about