t at drama by an old lady in gold
spectacles, was it? I have seen worse by professional writers.

* * * * *

Illustration: _Patriotic Wife._ "NOW, RICHARD, BEFORE YOU GO, LET ME
HEAR YOU REPEAT MY INSTRUCTIONS."

_Richard._ "I MUST REMEMBER I'M THE HUSBAND OF AN ENGLISHWOMAN, AND I'M
NOT TO COME BACK WITHOUT THE KAISER!"

* * * * *

Illustration: MR. THESPIAN JONES, THE FAMOUS ANIMAL IMPERSONATOR,
OFFERS HIS SERVICES AS "COLLECTING DOG" UNDER THE AUSPICES OF A RELIEF
COMMITTEE--

--BUT SUDDENLY FORGETS HIMSELF ON THE ARRIVAL OF GOOD NEWS FROM THE
FRONT.

* * * * *

THE KAISER'S "HATE."

[The feeling in Germany, it appears, is now quite friendly towards
France and Russia, and all the fury of the Press is concentrated on
England.]

When first the champions were listed,
When first the shells began to fall,
Some trace of animus existed
Between the Teuton and the Gaul;
King WILLIAM was extremely callous,
Nay, even found a certain zest
In riding from his Potsdam palace
To show his purple to the West.

But what a charm the Frenchman carries!
His compliments how wide they range!
Before King WILLIAM got to Paris
His feelings underwent a change:
"Our ancient feud against the Latin,"
He said, "has sensibly decreased;"
And rising from the trench he sat in
He moved his umbrage to the East.

He trampled on the Polish border;
He cried that Russia was the foe;
The German Press received the order
And answered meekly, "That is so;"
But when King WILLIAM met the Tartar
His soul sustained another wrench,
He found the Slavs were even smarter
At entertainments than the French.

They gave him such a royal greeting
With Cossack horsemen making curves
That WILLIAM asked them, on retreating,
To try his Prussian game preserves;
"Duke NICHOLAS is not the canker,"
He told his German scribblers then;
"His treatment has disarmed my rancour"
(It certainly disarmed his men).

"Out yonder in the circling billows
There lies the object of my scorn,
We hate these English armadilloes,
We wish they never had been born;
Their name to us is rank and fetid,
And on their sins our rage is fed;"
And all the German Press repeated
Precisely what the KAISER said.

Eh well. That water is a worry!
And doubtless, if th