t th' gr-reat an' illusthrees an' it ran all
th' way fr'm Julius Cayzar to Ulysses Grant.

"Dear, oh dear, but they were th' bad lot. Thank th' Lord nobody knows
about me. Thank th' Lord I had th' good sinse to retire f'rm pollyticks
whin me repytation had spread as far as Halsted Sthreet. If I'd let it
go a block farther I'd've been sorry f'r it th' rest iv me life an' some
years afther me death.

"I wanted to be famous in thim days, whin I was young an' foolish. 'Twas
th' dhream iv me life to have people say as I wint by: 'There goes
Dooley, th' gr-reatest statesman iv his age,' an' have thim name babies,
sthreets, schools, canal boats, an' five-cent seegars afther me, an'
whin I died to have it put in th' books that 'at this critical peeryod
in th' history of America there was need iv a man who combined strenth
iv charackter with love iv counthry. Such a man was found in Martin
Dooley, a prom'nent retail liquor dealer in Ar-rchey Road.'

"That's what I wanted, an' I'm glad I didn't get me wish. If I had, 'tis
little attintion to me charackter that th' books iv what Hogan calls
bi-ography wud pay, but a good deal to me debts. Though they mintioned
th' fact that I resked death f'r me adopted fatherland, they'd make th'
more intherestin' story about th' time I almost met it be fallin' down
stairs while runnin' away fr'm a polisman. F'r wan page they'd print
about me love iv counthry, they'd print fifty about me love iv dhrink.

"Th' things thim gr-reat men done wud give thim a place in Byrnes's
book. If Julius Caysar was alive to-day he'd be doin' a lockstep down in
Joliet. He was a corner loafer in his youth an' a robber in his old age.
He busted into churches, fooled ar-round with other men's wives, curled
his hair with a poker an' smelled iv perfumery like a Saturday night
car. An' his wife was a suspicyous charackter an' he turned her away.

"Napolyon Bonypart, impror iv th' Fr-rinch, was far too gay aven f'r
thim friv'lous people, an' had fits. His first wife was no betther than
she shud be, an' his second wife didn't care f'r him. Willum Shakespeare
is well known as an author of plays that no wan can play, but he was
betther known as a two-handed dhrinker, a bad actor, an' a thief. His
wife was a common scold an' led him th' life he desarved. They niver
leave th' ladies out iv these stories iv th' gr-reat. A woman that
marries a janius has a fine chance iv her false hair becomin' more
immortal thin his gr-reat