y fight one another; but they won't fight the Germans.

THE CLERK. They got grudges again one another: how can they have grudges
again the Huns that they never saw? They've no imagination: that's what
it is. Bring the Huns here; and they'll quarrel with them fast enough.

AUGUSTUS [returning to his seat with a grunt of disgust]. Mf! They'll
have them here if they're not careful. [Seated.] Have you carried out my
orders about the war saving?

THE CLERK. Yes.

AUGUSTUS. The allowance of petrol has been reduced by three quarters?

THE CLERK. It has.

AUGUSTUS. And you have told the motor-car people to come here and
arrange to start munition work now that their motor business is stopped?

THE CLERK. It ain't stopped. They're busier than ever.

AUGUSTUS. Busy at what?

THE CLERK. Making small cars.

AUGUSTUS. NEW cars!

THE CLERK. The old cars only do twelve miles to the gallon. Everybody
has to have a car that will do thirty-five now.

AUGUSTUS. Can't they take the train?

THE CLERK. There ain't no trains now. They've tore up the rails and sent
them to the front.

AUGUSTUS. Psha!

THE CLERK. Well, we have to get about somehow.

AUGUSTUS. This is perfectly monstrous. Not in the least what I intended.

THE CLERK. Hell--

AUGUSTUS. Sir!

THE CLERK [explaining]. Hell, they says, is paved with good intentions.

AUGUSTUS [springing to his feet]. Do you mean to insinuate that hell is
paved with MY good intentions--with the good intentions of His Majesty's
Government?

THE CLERK. I don't mean to insinuate anything until the Defence of the
Realm Act is repealed. It ain't safe.

AUGUSTUS. They told me that this town had set an example to all England
in the matter of economy. I came down here to promise the Mayor a
knighthood for his exertions.

THE CLERK. The Mayor! Where do I come in?

AUGUSTUS. You don't come in. You go out. This is a fool of a place. I'm
greatly disappointed. Deeply disappointed. [Flinging himself back into
his chair.] Disgusted.

THE CLERK. What more can we do? We've shut up everything. The picture
gallery is shut. The museum is shut. The theatres and picture shows is
shut: I haven't seen a movie picture for six months.

AUGUSTUS. Man, man: do you want to see picture shows when the Hun is at
the gate?

THE CLERK [mournfully]. I don't now, though it drove me melancholy mad
at first. I was on the point of taking a pennorth of rat poison--

AUGUSTUS. Why didn't you?

THE CLERK.