pen, settling himself to work. The clerk shuffles to the door. Augustus
adds, with cold politeness] Send me the Secretary.

THE CLERK. I'M the Secretary. I can't leave the room and send myself to
you at the same time, can I?

AUGUSTUS, Don't be insolent. Where is the gentleman I have been
corresponding with: Mr Horatio Floyd Beamish?

THE CLERK [returning and bowing]. Here. Me.

AUGUSTUS. You! Ridiculous. What right have you to call yourself by a
pretentious name of that sort?

THE CLERK. You may drop the Horatio Floyd. Beamish is good enough for
me.

AUGUSTUS. Is there nobody else to take my instructions?

THE CLERK. It's me or nobody. And for two pins I'd chuck it. Don't you
drive me too far. Old uns like me is up in the world now.

AUGUSTUS. If we were not at war, I should discharge you on the spot for
disrespectful behavior. But England is in danger; and I cannot think of
my personal dignity at such a moment. [Shouting at him.] Don't you think
of yours, either, worm that you are; or I'll have you arrested under the
Defence of the Realm Act, double quick.

THE CLERK. What do I care about the realm? They done me out of two and
seven--

AUGUSTUS. Oh, damn your two and seven! Did you receive my letters?

THE CLERK. Yes.

AUGUSTUS. I addressed a meeting here last night--went straight to the
platform from the train. I wrote to you that I should expect you to be
present and report yourself. Why did you not do so?

THE CLERK. The police wouldn't let me on the platform.

AUGUSTUS. Did you tell them who you were?

THE CLERK. They knew who I was. That's why they wouldn't let me up.

AUGUSTUS. This is too silly for anything. This town wants waking up. I
made the best recruiting speech I ever made in my life; and not a man
joined.

THE CLERK. What did you expect? You told them our gallant fellows is
falling at the rate of a thousand a day in the big push. Dying for
Little Pifflington, you says. Come and take their places, you says. That
ain't the way to recruit.

AUGUSTUS. But I expressly told them their widows would have pensions.

THE CLERK. I heard you. Would have been all right if it had been the
widows you wanted to get round.

AUGUSTUS [rising angrily]. This town is inhabited by dastards. I say
it with a full sense of responsibility, DASTARDS! They call themselves
Englishmen; and they are afraid to fight.

THE CLERK. Afraid to fight! You should see them on a Saturday night.

AUGUSTUS. Yes, the