dower, he wanted to see me. It took my breath away;
then I suddenly thought: 'If he comes and whistles to call me, I shall
creep back to him like a beaten dog.' I couldn't believe myself. Am I so
abject? Shall I run to him or not? And I've been in such a rage with
myself all this month that I am worse than I was five years ago. Do you
see now, Alyosha, what a violent, vindictive creature I am? I have shown
you the whole truth! I played with Mitya to keep me from running to that
other. Hush, Rakitin, it's not for you to judge me, I am not speaking to
you. Before you came in, I was lying here waiting, brooding, deciding my
whole future life, and you can never know what was in my heart. Yes,
Alyosha, tell your young lady not to be angry with me for what happened
the day before yesterday.... Nobody in the whole world knows what I am
going through now, and no one ever can know.... For perhaps I shall take a
knife with me to-day, I can't make up my mind ..."

And at this "tragic" phrase Grushenka broke down, hid her face in her
hands, flung herself on the sofa pillows, and sobbed like a little child.

Alyosha got up and went to Rakitin.

"Misha," he said, "don't be angry. She wounded you, but don't be angry.
You heard what she said just now? You mustn't ask too much of human
endurance, one must be merciful."

Alyosha said this at the instinctive prompting of his heart. He felt
obliged to speak and he turned to Rakitin. If Rakitin had not been there,
he would have spoken to the air. But Rakitin looked at him ironically and
Alyosha stopped short.

"You were so primed up with your elder's teaching last night that now you
have to let it off on me, Alexey, man of God!" said Rakitin, with a smile
of hatred.

"Don't laugh, Rakitin, don't smile, don't talk of the dead--he was better
than any one in the world!" cried Alyosha, with tears in his voice. "I
didn't speak to you as a judge but as the lowest of the judged. What am I
beside her? I came here seeking my ruin, and said to myself, 'What does it
matter?' in my cowardliness, but she, after five years in torment, as soon
as any one says a word from the heart to her--it makes her forget
everything, forgive everything, in her tears! The man who has wronged her
has come back, he sends for her and she forgives him everything, and
hastens joyfully to meet him and she won't take a knife with her. She
won't! No, I am not like that. I don't know whether you are, Misha, but I
am not li