* *

THE DEMOGRAPHIC VADE MECUM.

_Question_. You properly attended the Congress last week?

_Answer_. Certainly, by wearing a small brooch pinned on the flap of
my coat.

_Q._ What effect had this on the cabmen?

_A._ To cause them to charge me just double the customary fares.

_Q._ Did you go to the Inaugural Meeting?

_A._ Of course, but as it was so crowded, I could get no further than
the door.

_Q._ Did you hear the speech of the Prince of WALES?

_A._ Unfortunately not; but I had the advantage of seeing the top of
his Royal Highness's head.

_Q._ Did you go to the _Soiree_ in Lincoln's Inn Fields, at the Hall
of the Royal College of Surgeons?

_A._ I did, and was much amused at finding myself drinking claret cup
in the museum devoted to skeletons.

_Q._ Did you go to the reception at Guildhall?

_A._ Certainly, and was greatly gratified at the amusements supplied
to the Lord Mayor's guests.

_Q._ What were those amusements?

_A._ So far as I could see, the Band of the Grenadier Guards,
conducted by Lieut. DAN GODFREY in undress uniform, playing before Sir
JOSEPH SAVORY, Bart.; and some charters under a glass case.

_Q._ Was that all?

_A._ Well, I heard some harps, and then of course there were the Lord
Mayor's trumpeters.

_Q._ Did you get your hat and coat in comfort?

_A._ In great comfort--after I had fought like a wild beast with
other wild beasts for an hour and a half to get up to the place of
distribution.

_Q._ Was this part of the programme badly managed?

_A._ It was not managed at all. The City Authorities had not even had
the sense to put the numbers available at each counter _en evidence_.

_Q._ Did you derive any linguistic learning from this struggle?

_A._ Certainly. I heard bad language in sixteen different tongues.

_Q._ And what (as a connoisseur) did you think of the oaths?

_A._ That none were comparable to that English expletive which is
equally suggestive of a barrier in a river, the mother of a lamb, and
the observations of an angry man.

_Q._ Did you go anywhere else?

_A._ The entertainments I attended were so numerous that it is
impossible to remember a tithe of them.

_Q._ And what did you do about Science?

_A._ Left it for discussion until the meeting of the Congress to be
held next year!

* * * * *

[Illustration: TWO HEADS BETTER THAN ONE.

_An Optical Illusion in a Lady's Orchestra._]