rew worse and worse, and
was forced at last to sit down on a step. My whole being underwent a
change, as if something had slid aside in my inner self, or as if a
curtain or tissue of my brain was rent in two.

I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a little, and,
as an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once and got up and
bowed.

What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being added to
the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden fields, or did
it arise from my not having had any breakfast yet? Looking the whole
thing squarely in the face, there was no meaning in living on in this
manner, by Christ's holy pains, there wasn't. I failed to see either
how I had made myself deserving of this special persecution; and it
suddenly entered my head that I might just as well turn rogue at once
and go to my "Uncle's" with the blanket. I could pawn it for a
shilling, and get three full meals, and so keep myself going until I
thought of something else. 'Tis true I would have to swindle Hans
Pauli. I was already on my way to the pawn-shop, but stopped outside
the door, shook my head irresolutely, then turned back. The farther
away I got the more gladsome, ay, delighted I became, that I had
conquered this strong temptation. The consciousness that I was yet pure
and honourable rose to my head, filled me with a splendid sense of
having principle, character, of being a shining white beacon in a
muddy, human sea amidst floating wreck.

Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and drink one's
self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first little scar, set the
first black mark against one's honour, call one's self a blackguard to
one's own face, and needs must cast one's eyes down before one's self?
Never! never! It could never have been my serious intention--it had
really never seriously taken hold of me; in fact, I could not be
answerable for every loose, fleeting, desultory thought, particularly
with such a headache as I had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket,
too, that belonged to another fellow.

There would surely be some way or another of getting help when the
right time came! Now, there was the grocer in Groenlandsleret. Had I
importuned him every hour in the day since I sent in my application?
Had I rung the bell early and late, and been turned away? Why, I had
not even applied personally to him or sought an answer! It did not
follow, surely, that it m