or the devil
take a worse hold of me.

With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the
consciousness of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on, without
looking at the people who passed me by. I commenced once more to martyr
myself, ran my forehead against lamp-posts on purpose, dug my nails
deep into my palms, bit my tongue with frenzy when it didn't articulate
clearly, and laughed insanely each time it hurt much.

Yes; but what shall I do? I asked myself at last, and I stamped many
times on the pavement and repeated, What shall I do? A gentleman just
going by remarks, with a smile, "You ought to go and ask to be locked
up." I looked after him. One of our well-known lady's doctors,
nicknamed "The Duke." Not even he understood my real condition--a man I
knew; whose hand I had shaken. I grew quiet. Locked up? Yes, I was mad;
he was right. I felt madness in my blood; felt its darting pain through
my brain. So that was to be the end of me! Yes, yes; and I resume my
wearisome, painful walk. There was the haven in which I was to find
rest.

Suddenly I stop again. But not locked up! I say, not that; and I grew
almost hoarse with fear. I implored grace for myself; begged to the
wind and weather not to be locked up. I should have to be brought to
the guard-house again, imprisoned in a dark cell which had not a spark
of light in it. Not that! There must be other channels yet open that I
had not tried, and I would try them. I would be so earnestly
painstaking; would take good time for it, and go indefatigably round
from house to house. For example, there was Cisler the music-seller; I
hadn't been to him at all. Some remedy would turn up!.... Thus I
stumbled on, and talked until I brought myself to weep with emotion.
Cisler! Was that perchance a hint from on high? His name had struck me
for no reason, and he lived so far away; but I would look him up all
the same, go slowly, and rest between times. I knew the place well; I
had been there often, when times were good had bought much music from
him. Should I ask him for sixpence? Perhaps that might make him feel
uncomfortable. I would ask him for a shilling. I went into the shop,
and asked for the chief. They showed me into his office; there he
sat--handsome, well-dressed in the latest style--running down some
accounts. I stammered through an excuse, and set forth my errand.
Compelled by need to apply to him ... it should not be very long till I
could pay it bac