ow very few things, needless to say."

Washington 1898.

"It is terrible to be twenty! But I proved myself still young in
being able to shed a tear over my departed teens. Mama and all of
our little Russian colony drank my health wishing me each in turn to
find myself each year one year younger, till I had to stop them less
they eclipse me altogether. I think my nineteenth was the fullest
year I have ever had--crammed."

When she was twenty, Nelka went with her mother to Narragansett Bay
for the summer. Here a very tragic event took place which left an
imprint on Nelka, if not for life, then certainly for many years.
One afternoon, while sitting and talking with her mother, the latter
suddenly collapsed and died instantly. Nelka was there all alone
with her. The blow was terrible. For a very long time, being highly
emotional, she could not get over this tragic end of a person with
whom she had always been so close and so intimate. She went into
deep mourning and remained in a state of frozen sorrow. Writing to
her aunt Susie she expressed so vividly the tragic feeling of
complete sorrow which gripped her:

St. Louis 1898.

"No one could offer more generously what unfortunately I feel that I
may never have. Don't misunderstand me, dear Poodie, but my 'home'
was forever lost when Mama left me and I can never find it except
with her. I am Mama's own and my 'home' such as you mean it can only
exist in memory and anticipation."

"I am thankful to God that I am left on earth with such aunts as you
and Pats. Not many in my situation are so blessed. I shall always
feel alone. But perhaps I have had more of Mama than many have in
twice the time."

It is true that by circumstances she had always lived very much
together with her mother, who as a widow had nothing but her. Even
when Nelka was in school, her mother lived in the same city and saw
her constantly, and their closeness was very complete.

Again she writes:

"In all events I have had more in life than I deserve, more than one
should dare hope for."

"I was sorry to disappoint you yesterday, but I cried all the
afternoon."

A year later--Washington 1899.

"Try as I will I do not see how I can ever take up any interest
again. I have so little desire to go on with anything and I am so
satisfied with what I have had."

Washington 1899.

"I went to church this morning and I was surprised to realize how
heathenish and unchristian the sermon sounded to me.