ct.

[Illustration: RESERVED SEATS.]

I wish lecturers could dismiss chairmen in the same peremptory fashion,
for I am sure the public don't want him, nor _I_ don't, nor nobody.
Their boredom had better be dropped like the poor letter H--which, by
the way, some chairmen drop pretty frequently.

I'll classify the chairmen as follows:--The Absent Chairman, the Ideal
Chairman, the Political Chairman, and the Ignorant Chairman.

_The Absent Chairman._--I must divide the Absent Chairman into two
heads. Two heads are better than one, but if both are absent--the one in
body and the other in mind--it is evident no head is better than two.
The absent in body does not turn up at the lecture--forgets all about
it, or remembers too well what he suffered before. The lecturer and his
audience are kept waiting. The absent in mind does turn up,
though--turns up anything but trumps. He--"ah!--feels--ah!--the
honour--ah!--of presiding this evening." He "has the honour--ah!--of
introducing the lecturer, a lady--ah!--a gentleman, I should say, whose
name is a household word. Who does not know the name of--ah (feels in
all his pockets for syllabus)--of--ah--this gentleman who is about to
delight us all this evening on a--yes, yes,"--takes from his pocket a
piece of paper from which he reads: "The Rev. Carbon Chalker, M.A., on
Microbes found in the Middle Strata of Undiscovered Coal." "This rev.
gentleman no doubt----" he proceeds, when he is quickly interrupted by
the secretary, who jumps up and says, "Excuse me, Mr. Chairman, that is
last year's syllabus you have in your hand."

The Ideal Chairman is one who rises and says, "Ladies and gentlemen,--I
have the honour this evening to introduce to you Mr. Snooks, who has
something interesting to tell you, and one hour in which to tell it. I
will not stand in his way or take up your time by saying anything
further." Now how seldom this happens! As a rule the chairman makes an
excuse to deliver a speech on his own account. The most extraordinary
case of that kind I ever heard of occurred at Birmingham. The amiable
Member for one of the districts in Birmingham, whose name is always
associated with "three acres and a cow," had to take the chair at a
lecture given one evening to the people. As soon as the popular M.P.
rose to speak there were loud cries of "Three acres--three acres! How is
the coo? How is the coo?" It was just at the time when he had introduced
that question. He rose to the oc