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ct. [Illustration: RESERVED SEATS.] I wish lecturers could dismiss chairmen in the same peremptory fashion, for I am sure the public don't want him, nor _I_ don't, nor nobody. Their boredom had better be dropped like the poor letter H--which, by the way, some chairmen drop pretty frequently. I'll classify the chairmen as follows:--The Absent Chairman, the Ideal Chairman, the Political Chairman, and the Ignorant Chairman. _The Absent Chairman._--I must divide the Absent Chairman into two heads. Two heads are better than one, but if both are absent--the one in body and the other in mind--it is evident no head is better than two. The absent in body does not turn up at the lecture--forgets all about it, or remembers too well what he suffered before. The lecturer and his audience are kept waiting. The absent in mind does turn up, though--turns up anything but trumps. He--"ah!--feels--ah!--the honour--ah!--of presiding this evening." He "has the honour--ah!--of introducing the lecturer, a lady--ah!--a gentleman, I should say, whose name is a household word. Who does not know the name of--ah (feels in all his pockets for syllabus)--of--ah--this gentleman who is about to delight us all this evening on a--yes, yes,"--takes from his pocket a piece of paper from which he reads: "The Rev. Carbon Chalker, M.A., on Microbes found in the Middle Strata of Undiscovered Coal." "This rev. gentleman no doubt----" he proceeds, when he is quickly interrupted by the secretary, who jumps up and says, "Excuse me, Mr. Chairman, that is last year's syllabus you have in your hand." The Ideal Chairman is one who rises and says, "Ladies and gentlemen,--I have the honour this evening to introduce to you Mr. Snooks, who has something interesting to tell you, and one hour in which to tell it. I will not stand in his way or take up your time by saying anything further." Now how seldom this happens! As a rule the chairman makes an excuse to deliver a speech on his own account. The most extraordinary case of that kind I ever heard of occurred at Birmingham. The amiable Member for one of the districts in Birmingham, whose name is always associated with "three acres and a cow," had to take the chair at a lecture given one evening to the people. As soon as the popular M.P. rose to speak there were loud cries of "Three acres--three acres! How is the coo? How is the coo?" It was just at the time when he had introduced that question. He rose to the oc
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