e quick, and put me out of me agony!"

"No," said Percy abruptly. "But"--with sudden misgiving--"w-what can I
do? I'm on my way to join and I must join _something_."

Private Penny pushed his mug over to be re-filled. "I'm an infantryman
myself," he said carelessly, "and I speaks as one that knows. And wot I
says is--if you wants a cheerful protected kinder life, with a quiet
'ole to 'ide yer 'ead in--if you wants rest and comfort, kimbined with
plenty o' fresh air--if you wants to serve yer King and country without
any danger to yer 'ealth, then the infantry's the life for you, and the
trenches is the place to spend it in. Ain't I been out there one solid
year, and no 'arm 'appened to me yet? It's child's play, that it is,
sitting there in a 'ole, with big guns booming over you protective-like
from be'ind and killing all the enemy in front for you. And yer food and
yer love-letters brought to you regular, and doctors and parsons to see
you whenever you feels queer. Take my advice, Percy my son--join the
Infantry at once and make sure of a gentleman's life. I've took a fancy
to you, and I tells you straight." And he eclipsed himself behind his
replenished mug.

"Thank you very much," said Percy gratefully, "I can see that the
Infantry is the place for me. I shall insist upon joining it. Thank you
_very_ much for all your advice----"

At this moment a great wave of khaki burst into the room and swept to
the counter, clamouring for attention. On the crest of it came Percy's
friends in mufti, and once, across the tumult, his voice reached my
ears. "... quite decided...." he was saying loftily, "some infantry
regiment or other just seems...." and he was jostled away in the centre
of an admiring group.

Involuntarily I looked across at Private Penny.

One eye met mine from behind an upturned mug, and the lid fell and rose
again, once, rapidly; he too had heard.

* * * * *

"A Council of War in the Desert.

"British Officers are here seen holding a 'bow-wow.'"--_Western
Weekly News._

Very natural. In the desert most days are "dog-days."

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Colonel_ (_on a round of inspection, during prolonged
pause in manoeuvres_). "And what is the disposition of your men,
Sergeant?"

_Sergeant._ "Fed-up, Sir!"]

* * * * *

THE NEUTRAL NEWSMONGER.

Who cheers us when we're in the blues
Wi