marm. It
weould a' dun Marm Smith's ole heart good to seen this dre-e-a-d-ful
pius critter. She looked mighty nice, a-n-d she scolloped reound, and
beow'd and cut an orful quantity o' capers, when I ondid my business to
her. I went on and told her heow in course o' travel--

"'In furrin pearts?' sez she.

"'Yes,' sez I--'I kim across a great instrument,' sez I. 'It was well
known to the wimen and ladies o' the past gin-i-rations,' sez I.

"'The an-shants?' sez she.

"'Yes, marm,' sez I. Then she axed me wether it wer a wind instrer-ment
or a stringed instrer-ment. A-n-d I told her it wer a stringed
instrer-ment, but went on the hurdy-gurdy pren-cipl', with a crank or
treddle. But what I moost dwelt on, as the ox-ion-eer sez, were the
great combinations of the instrer-ment, a-n-d I piled it up
dre-e-e-adful! I told the marm I wanted to git the thing patented, and
put before the people--the wimen and ladies in per-tick'ler--so that
every gal in the univarsal world could play upon it--exercise her hands,
strengthen her arms and chist, give her form a nater-al de-welop-ment,
and so make the hull grist o' wimen critters useful, as well as
or-namental, as my instrer-ment was a useful necessity; for while it
lent grace and beauty to the female form, and gin forth fust rate music,
it was par-fect-ly scriptooral; it ceould be made to clothe the naked
and feed the hon-gry. My il-o-quince had the marm. She 'greed to buy one
of my machines _straight_ fur use of her _Institoot_--each school-gal to
'put in' by next day, when I wer to bring the instrer-ment, get my $40,
and deliver a lectoor on it. Next mornin', bright and early, I wer
there; the _puss_ wer made up, and the gals nigh abeout bilin' over with
curiosity to see my wonderful _hand-limberer, arm-strengthener,
chist-expander, female-beautifier, and univarsal musical machine!_ When
they all got assembled, I ondid the machine; they wer still as death!
When I sot it up, they wer breathless with wonderment; when I started
it, they gin a gineral screech of delight. Then I sot deown and played
'em _old hund'erd_, and every gal in the room vowed right eout she'd
have one made _straight!_ O-o-o! yeou'd a died to seen the excitement
that instrer-ment made in Jargon Institoot. The head marm wanted my
ortergraff, and each o' the gals a lock o' my hair. But just then, a
confeounded ole woolly-headed Virginny nigger wench, cook o' the Jargon
Institoot, kem in, and the moment she cla