vise plans for the gratification of persons similarly situated as
my fellow-traveller. "Why," thought I, "should literature alone lag in the
age of steam? Is there no way by which a man could be made to swallow
Scott or bolt Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an
auction bill?" Suddenly a happy thought struck me: it was to write a
novel, in which only the actual spirit of the narration should be
retained, rejecting all expletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of
speech; to be terse and abrupt in style--use monosyllables always in
preference to polysyllables--and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose
names contain more than four letters. Full of this idea, on my returning
home in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I retired to rest, had
written a novel of three neat, portable volumes; which, I assert, any lady
or gentlemen, who has had the advantage of a liberal education, may get
through with tolerable ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train
running from London to Birmingham.

I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of writing
possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial bagmen, omnibus-cads,
tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may "read as they run." Fiddlers at
the theatres, during the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by my
invention; for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation, I
shall instantly apply for a patent.

SPECIMEN.

CLARE GREY:

A NOVEL.

"Brief let me be."

LONDON: Printed and Published for the Author.

1841.

VOL. I.

Clare Grey--Sweet girl--Bloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops,
&c.--Tom Lee--Young, gay, but poor--Loved Clare madly--Clare loved Tom
ditto--Clare's pa' rich, old, cross, cruel, &c.--Smelt a rat--D----d Tom,
and swore at Clare--Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars--Love's
schemes--_Billet-doux_ from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas,
crammed with vows, love, despair, hope--Answer (pencil and curl-paper),
slipped through key-hole--Full of hope, despair, love, vows--Tom
serenades--Bad cold--Rather hoarse--White kerchief from
garret-window--"'Tis Clare! 'tis Clare!"--Garden-wall, six feet high--Love
is rash--Scale the wall--Great house-dog at home--Pins Tom by the
calf--Old Hunk's roused--Fire! thieves! guns, swords, and rushlights--Tom
caught--Murder, burglary--Station-house, gaol, justice--Fudge!--Pretty
mess--Heigho!--'Oh! 'tis love,' &c.--Sweet Clare Grey!--