y to illuminate his face. All of this accomplished, he tiptoes
back to the wings, his shoes again squeaking._

THE JANITOR

Now all of them people think I'm the professor's tuner. (_The thought
gives him such delight that, for the moment, his brain is numbed. Then
he proceeds._) I guess them tuners make pretty good money. I wish I
could get the hang of the trick. It _looks_ easy. (_By this time he has
disappeared in the wings and the stage is again a desert. Two or three
women, far back in the hall, start a halfhearted handclapping. It dies
out at once. The noise of rustling programs and shuffling feet succeeds
it._)

FOUR HUNDRED OF THE WOMEN

Oh, I do _certainly_ hope he plays that lovely _Valse Poupee_ as an
encore! They say he does it better than Bloomfield-Zeisler.

ONE OF THE CRITICS

I hope the animal doesn't pull any encore numbers that I don't
recognize. All of these people will buy the paper to-morrow morning just
to find out what they have heard. It's infernally embarrassing to have
to ask the manager. The public expects a musical critic to be a sort of
walking thematic catalogue. The public is an ass.

THE SIX OTHER MEN

Oh, Lord! What a way to spend an afternoon!

A HUNDRED OF THE WOMEN

I wonder if he's as handsome as Paderewski.

ANOTHER HUNDRED OF THE WOMEN

I wonder if he's as gentlemanly as Josef Hofmann.

STILL ANOTHER HUNDRED WOMEN

I wonder if he's as fascinating as De Pachmann.

YET OTHER HUNDREDS

I wonder if he has dark eyes. You never can tell by those awful
photographs in the newspapers.

HALF A DOZEN WOMEN

I wonder if he can really play the piano.

THE CRITIC AFORESAID

What a hell of a wait! These rotten piano-thumping immigrants deserve a
hard call-down. But what's the use? The piano manufacturers bring them
over here to wallop their pianos--and the piano manufacturers are not
afraid to advertise. If you knock them too hard you have a nasty
business-office row on your hands.

ONE OF THE MEN

If they allowed smoking, it wouldn't be so bad.

ANOTHER MAN

I wonder if that woman across the aisle----

(THE GREAT PIANIST _bounces upon the stage so suddenly that he is bowing
in the center before any one thinks to applaud. He makes three stiff
bows. At the second the applause begins, swelling at once to a roar. He
steps up to the piano, bows three times more, and then sits down. He
hunches his shoulders, reaches for the pedals with his feet