Are you a bleeder? Have you haemophilia?

THE BRIDEGROOM

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

Erthrocythaemia? Nephroptosis? Fibrinous bronchitis? Salpingitis?
Pylephlebitis? Answer yes or no.

THE BRIDEGROOM

No. No. No. No. No.

THE CLERGYMAN

Have you ever been refused life insurance? If so, when, by what company
or companies, and why?

THE BRIDEGROOM

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

What is a staphylococcus?

THE BRIDEGROOM

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

(_Sternly_) What?

THE BRIDEGROOM

(_Nervously_) Yes.

THE CLERGYMAN

(_Coming to the rescue_) Wilt them have this woman et cetera? Answer yes
or no.

THE BRIDEGROOM

I will.

THE CLERGYMAN

(_Turning to_ THE BRIDE) Mary, wilt thou have this gentleman to be thy
wedded husband, to live together in the holy state of aseptic matrimony?
Wilt thou love him, serve him, protect him from all adulterated
victuals, and keep him hygienically clothed; and forsaking all others,
keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live? If so----

THE BRIDE

(_Instantly and loudly_) I will.

THE CLERGYMAN

Not so fast! First, there is the little ceremony of the clinical
thermometers. (_He takes up one of the thermometers._) Open your mouth,
my dear. (_He Inserts the thermometer._) Now hold it there while you
count one hundred and fifty. And you, too. (_To_ THE BRIDEGROOM.) I had
almost forgotten you. (THE BRIDEGROOM _opens his mouth and the other
thermometer is duly planted. While the two are counting_, THE CLERGYMAN
_attempts to turn back one of_ THE BRIDE'S _eyelids, apparently
searching for trachoma, but his rubber gloves impede the operation and
so he gives it up. It is now time to read the thermometers._ THE
BRIDEGROOM'S _is first removed._)

THE CLERGYMAN

(_Reading the scale_) Ninety-nine point nine. Considering everything,
not so bad. (_Then he removes and reads_ THE BRIDE'S.) Ninety-eight
point six. Exactly normal. Cool, collected, at ease. The classical
self-possession of the party of the second part. And now, my dear, may I
ask you to hold out your tongue? (THE BRIDE _does so._)

THE CLERGYMAN

Perfect.... There; that will do. Put it back.... And now for a few
questions--just a few. First, do you use opiates in any form?

THE BRIDE

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

Have you ever had goitre?

THE BRIDE

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

Yellow fever?

THE BRIDE

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

Haematomata?

THE BRIDE

No.